Wild Rose Cleanse

Ok I’m on Day 8 of the Wild Rose Cleanse and I’ve been reading a lot of testimonials and I’m a bit confused. 

1) Everyone talks about how they shit non-stop. That’s just not the case for me? I mean I wake up and poop. It’s not pretty, but it’s a poop.. then I am usually good until the next day. Sometimes I have  another one in the late afternoon but not usually? Maybe I’m just so fucking healthy there’s no toxins to get rid of? Pfffft

2) People talk about the aches and pains they have like they are getting the flu. I’ve literally felt nothing like this. I’ve been grumpy AF because I want a cheeseburger and some fucking wine, but no flu symptoms. 

3) People are boasting they have lost 10-15 pounds on this cleanse. Ok I’m also on my period so maybe this has something to do with it but I’ve lost 2.5 pounds. In 8 days. That’s nothing to write home about and I’ve been following the diet to a T. I just read one where this chick caved on day 5 and drank every day for the rest of it and ate pizza and she’s like “tee hee I still lost 10 pounds” and I’m like YOU BITCH.

4) “I lost all my cravings for sugar and bad foods”. Are you serious? How? I caught myself staring at my dog today thinking about what he’d taste like with cheese on him. I need cheese in my life and small amounts of brown sugar. It’s what I’m most excited to eat. There’s not an hour that goes by without my mind creating a food fantasy. So shut up all you Internet liars saying you have no cravings near the end. (I will update you on day 12 if this miraculous event happens). 

5) “There’s lots to eat”. This is true but it’s all mega boring and you can’t put sauce on it because every god damn sauce has sugar or vinegar in it. 

So I think I have more energy and my belly is definetly flatter, but this has been a testament to my will power. I don’t think I’ve been this sober in 10 years. I guess that’s a good thing. But it’s super boring, dude. We have been really productive with all this spare time though. Amazing what you will clean when you’re avoiding the kitchen/liquor cabinet. 
I took before measurements so I’ll post my final results on Saturday morning (post shit). You’re welcome!

I’m dreaming of white wine at Christmas

Yoga Teacher Training: What they really teach you.

As you can all imagine, I finished my Yoga Teacher Training course, and then some. It was not at all what I expected. I had imagined a bunch of hippie loving vegans all singing in circles and practicing yoga every day and OM’ing my little heart out.

Boy was I wrong. Now perhaps it was the specific studio where I trained and the instructor’s teaching methods that made this experience so.. unique. I will let you decide. All I know is that this was harder than 4 years of University. No joke.

I will demystify some things for my readers. What do you actually learn there? Is it hard? Did you seek enlightenment?

Here’s the truth.

1) YTT teaches women how to deal with women.

Being in a studio with the same 33 women every single day for 6 fucking weeks is basically my nightmare. At LEAST 5 women are on their period at all times. It is like highschool. There are cliques. There are the super keen teachers pets who sit front row on their mats meditating while they wait for the teacher to arrive. There were the dreadlocked girls with massive OM symbols tattooed all over their backs who did headstands and arm balances during breaks. There was one guy in the whole classe who was on an entirely different plane than most human beings I roll with. There were women in their 60s who’s yoga practice put mine to shame. There were 18 yr olds fresh out of highschool looking for a way to not join the conventional workforce. There were mutes that didn’t say a single word the entire 6 weeks. Then there were the brats who giggled and didn’t take things so seriously as everyone else. I hung out with them. Obv. I’m sorry but I cannot keep a straight face when a bunch of women stand in tree pose holding hands talking about how much we love each other and support each other like trees in the forest. Fucking kill me. I pretty much loathed these women by the end. Nobody should ever have to be around this many women. EVER.

Put all these types of women together every single day and it is pretty much a recipe for an emotional breakdown. What did this teach me? How to tolerate women. I struggled with my instinct to judge everyone instantly. I had to tune into my “yoga vibes” and find ways to not let my eye twitch when someone mentioned the word “vegan” or “crossfit”. I worked my way through every single woman in that class until I liked at least one thing about each of them. I even left the course with a few new friends, which was a total bonus considering I live in a pretty isolated part of BC.

This was really hard for me. I am a guys girl. I like boy things. I like boys. I like fart jokes and doing beer bongs. Yoga, however, has taught me how to appreciate women. We aren’t so bad after all.

2. You do not know how to do yoga.

Seriously. Start from scratch. Everything you thought you knew about the correct alignment in postures is wrong. Think you have a nice down dog? You don’t. Think your Warrior II is special? It’s not.

I literally had to relearn every posture. Unless you have a private yoga instructor, you likely have never been adjusted into the correct postures for the majority of your practice. The cueing of poses is so critical and there are a ton of really shitty yoga instructors that aren’t teaching the correct alignment. Getting into a perfect triangle pose is work. I had been dumping into it every single time. I had to really back out of it and work on my core because otherwise the pose is pointless. This leads me to my next point.

3. It is all about anatomy. 

For someone like me who couldn’t even tell you what the bones in my legs were called (like um where’s like my tibia?), you pretty much leave YTT feeling like a fucking doctor. You become one of those annoying people who says scapula instead of shoulder blade, clavicle instead of collar bone, ilium instead of hip bone, coccyx instead of tail bone. You become a genius basically. I had no clue what was inside my body. I just left my innards to themselves. Just do your thang, insides. Now I can tell you when my psoas is feeling strained and causing me back pain. I can feel ligaments and tendons and know what they are called and how long they are and where they attach and what the move. Again, I am a fucking know-it-all genius now. Physio Therapists probably fucking loathe yoga teachers.

4. Yoga is a business and the Director of your studio is just as greasy as a car salesman. 

It seems so wrong but hey man, they are just trying to deliver yoga and pay bills. I am in the midst of opening up a studio in my town and when it all comes down to it, even though I just want to teach yoga for free so everyone can reap the benefits, I need to pay for my cork floors and pretty spa-like bathroom. Studio’s are a lot of upkeep. Props are expensive. Loans cost money. Training courses are long, intense and expensive. You are not paying $20 for an hour of instruction. You are paying $20 for hours of designing custom classes that will make you feel amazing, an hour of cleaning the studio so it looks and feels like a spa, book keeping and paperwork, planning workshops, and advertising. The behind the scenes work of a yoga teacher is where we earn our $20/student fee which ends up being not the greatest profit. We learn how to make you want to come back. Let us take care of you and buy 10 class punch passes if you want the best deal!

5. Be very wary of where you take your training.. 

If you are looking to learn the 8 limbs of yoga, discover your chakras, doshas, etc. make sure you do your research. The studio I trained at did not cover any of the philosophy of yoga and I was pretty disappointed. The director is strictly alignment based and obsessed with the spine and anatomy. While I think that this is really important when cueing students into asanas, I also felt like the joy of yoga was sucked away from me and stripped down to essentially a personal trainer program. Near the end of my training I wasn’t even sure if I liked yoga anymore, let alone was I going to embark on a career opening a yoga studio? It is really important to make sure whatever training you take, it suits your needs. Yoga is not just a “workout”. It is a time to dedicate yourself to taking care of your body. It clears your mind. It really is a way of life and a mindset. So meet with the instructors. Take them out for coffee. Get to know their passions. I would have chosen a completely different training program if I had taken a moment to do this.

My instructor, unfortunately, was a drill sergeant who was likely suffering from dementia. With 33 other women in the course, it was hard to get my questions answered. I felt totally disconnected from my personal practice. Her way of teaching gave me anxiety. Teachers need to adapt to all kinds of learning methods. Criticism should be constructive and personal. Not something that can be pointed out as “being wrong” in front of all your peers. I have never felt so belittled in my life. Some people need this competitive sort of push when they learn. Me, on the other hand, felt like crying every week. The general consensus among my peers was that our instructor was severely bipolar and struggling with some serious mental issues, but I can still come to the generalization that you NEED to do your research. Ask prospective studios for a few contacts that have completed their training course and connect with them. They will tell you honestly how the teachers instruct. I’m not saying that I am soft and can’t take a little criticism, but this woman had my friends in tears and ridiculed students to other students behind their back. Find a positive mentor. It will make or break you.

 

This course was really eye-opening for me. I learned so much about my body. So much about my own patience. I was fully dedicated and immersed in something. I haven’t had this sort of focus in YEARS. It hurt. I was in crippling pain for the first two weeks but eventually gained so much strength and flexibility. Again, it was harder than university. It was a mind fuck. We wrote a 16 pages final exam. It was outrageously inappropriate and covered so many topics that weren’t discussed during the training.  I left feeling defeated.. just to find out that they didn’t even mark the exams… it was “more of a survey so the instructors could see how well they taught”. I was furious. I was constantly angry and felt murderous.

HOW VERY YOGA OF ME.

But guess what. I know how to teach a yoga class. And I can’t fucking wait.

Now that I have been out of Yoga Jail for a week, I have collected my thoughts and realized that in the end, I made a few friends and learned how to be a productive teacher at the expensive of a terrible one.

Leaving all this behind me, I am only looking forward to my new studio.

So here is a small poll for you! #1 or #2? My business name was approved. Coming soon to a Fruitvale near you…

 

Let me know which one you like better 🙂

Namaste, motherfuckers.

Cauliflower: Not just my nickname..

I finally gave in and tried this cauliflower rice shenanigans. I have to hand it to you, cauliflower. You’re pretty alright!

I got some pointers how to make a good batch and gave it a shot because I’ve been eating way too much rice lately! It’s not horrible for you but it’s a lot of calories. 

So essentially, you cut your cauli into pieces so you can jam it into a food processor. 

  
Place in a bowl and run some other yummy things through the processor like parsley and onions. 

  
I’m sure you could add anything and it would be delicious. Fry up the onions and such in a big pan then when they are soft, add your cauli. Fry it for a few minutes until everything is all mixed in.

 
Add a tiny bit of broth and cover for another 5 min and you’re good to go! So much faster than rice and it tastes bomb ass. 

I also grilled some asparagus and threw some gang signs. 

  

BBQ some chicken and you got yourself one healthy dinner!

  Does anyone else think my chicken looks like a frog? This is like a 500 calorie dinner and I was full. Karlin said it was delicious but was still hungry but he’s a boy and can’t keep weight ON.. So I just made him eat ice cream after with PB2 and he was fine.. 

I’ve also discovered the beauty of mustard again. When I was gluten free I went to mustard when I needed flavour and happiness. I’m back again and man do I love mustard. I made a 400 calorie turkey sandwich and it was fucking delicious. Mostly due to the mustard! 

  
So it’s been a delicious week in food, despite being on a 1200 calorie diet. Tonight is Turkey spaghetti with spaghetti squash and I’m looking forward to bathing in Parmesan cheese. I could gargle with that shit. 

Down 2 pounds and almost back to my pre-may-long self. Pre-10000-beers. 

Maximum Death Workouts

I know that a few months ago I talked about some of the workout programs I was involved with and mentioned that MaxWorkouts in particular was very challenging and cruel to all humans. I think I need to revisit that topic. I made it about 4 or 5 weeks into the 12 week program before life got in the way and travelling and, let’s be fucking real, nice weather began to emerge. I was feeling great and lost 15 pounds which was a lot considering I’m not an obese person to begin with. But as soon as the sun peeked out from behind the mountains it became easy to put off the workouts and go do something outside. Like drink beer and shoot guns and build stuff. What would you rather do? Go down to your dungeon home gym and do a gruelling workout that leaves your breathless and weeping? Or go water your adorable garden and talk to your broccoli in the gorgeous mountain morning air? DERRRRR NO BRAINER.

So I know this is just an excuse but I own it and it’s all mine and you can’t have it. Everyone has an excuse. But you can choose to own up to your excuses and get back to work as I declared yesterday! And back to work I fucking did. 

Starting back at Week 1 of MaxWorkouts, I was hesitant to do the workout because I remembered the tears and whining that came from my body after. However, I woke up this morning from the most bizarre fucking dream ever. I was a bridesmaid in Kim Kardashians wedding. I was wearing this skin tight white slinky dress standing beside the other midget Kardashians and felt like a fucking tall cup of whale. And not because I was fat, but because they were so petite… Like my bridesmaids.. Fuck. So if I’m going to be standing beside my own beautiful Kardashians bridesmaids during my wedding, I at least need to look ripped AF. 

So Week 1, Day 1. Again.

10 squats, 10 push-ups, 10 lunge and twists, 10 bar pull-ups, 10 lateral lunges each side. Two times.

That alone got me breathing hard. But that’s just the warm up and you’re supposed to do it 3 times but I’m a pussy.

Then 10 back squats (I put 15 pounds on each side), 10 dumbbell push press (I started with 10 then felt like a major puss and tried 15.. Then went back to 10 lol), then 12 barbell chin pull-ups using 10s. Do this 5 -6 times.

I did 5 and was gasping and sore and angry. Quite angry actually. 3 months ago I would have breezed through that shit. It just goes to show that you need to keep your fitness game going strong because you can lose it so quickly. Thankfully I kept 13 of the 15 pounds off during my last 1-2 months of half ass workouts and flexible dieting. But I definitely lost my Heman strength. 

So I’m back at it, and it sucks. And I deserve it. And wahhhhhhh wahhhh wahhhhh. Back to logging my meals in My Fitness Pal, eating celery and enjoying rice like its more fulfilling than a cheeseburger.

  

Gnocchi Chicken Stew for Hungry Girls

Gnocchi! Where have you been all my life you delicious little potatoey noodle goodness? I will admit, I saved up a good chunk of calories for this dinner and did a little extra cardio just to be sure. I found this recipes in this months copy of Eating Well . I have never cooked with gnocchi before, but I am going to start now! I still don’t believe it but the recipe said for 2 cups of this stuff, it’s 542 calories. That’s not bad considering I had to stuff my cheeks to get all the delicious morsels of chicken, veggies and gnocchis in! The ingredients are simple and easy and was really simple. I made an absolute mess of the kitchen for some reason, regardless of the recipes simplicity!

Here’s a peek!

The thyme makes the entire house smell awesome. I’m always mentally taking notes of aromatic recipes for when I cook for guests. It just seems more impressive and makes me look like a mother fucking chef. #chefcrawly

I had to switch skillets half way through because I started off being too lazy to wash my favourite one and tried using one without Teflon on it and the chicken was sticking. COOL STORY, BRO.

Voila! I just ate 2 cups and feel delightfully satisfied and close to being stuffed.

Also, we picked this up at a little specialty shop I mentioned the other day..

You add about a shot of it to soda water and it is so incredibly refreshing! Think ginger ale without the added sugar. Of course we add vodka to ours too duh. But it’s my new favourite drink treat. (I still love you, wine. No hard feelings).

It snowed about 2 ft today. By the looks of it, I will be creating some sort of freezer pantry masterpiece tomorrow for din because my poor little baby Jetson doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere any time soon! Night kiddies

Rats

Spend 6 weeks working out and eating clean. Lose 5 pounds. Eat unhealthy and drink for 3 days.. Gain it all back! So much for watching my portions!! Oh well back on track today. It’s really hard with Karlin being home! He gets up and makes delicious gourmet coffee and a huge bacon and egg breakfast while I eat oatmeal and put skim milk in my small coffee with Stevia!! FUCKING RIP OFF.

So I’m at this party the other night and get stuck with the circle of women swapping birthing stories. One girl asks if I have kids and I said no I’m not sure if I want kids. She looked at me like I had 9 heads and blood dripping out of my mouths. Why are women so judgmental? Why does it matter if I don’t want children? It doesn’t affect her decision to have them. Like it honestly has NO impact on her life so why do people gawk when I tell them I don’t really want kids? It just makes me roll my eyes. Then they all went on about how I’ll change my mind and how amazing motherhood is. So I threw Karlin’s sister into it and was like “I don’t know about that.. Robyn tells me all the time how awful her day is and how she wants to kill herself because of the girls” hahahah. Because let’s face it, kids are fucking annoying. I was thinking the other day about what I look for in friends and people I want in my life. Here are just some examples:

1) loyalty. Kids aren’t loyal. They’d sell their parents for a juice box.
2) kindness. Kids are fucking mean. They don’t like to share and they are bossy.
3) intelligence. Nope! Kids are dumb because they lack brain development.
4) generosity. Kids take and they take and never give you anything. They are the definition of selfish. And they never pay for drinks.
5) sense of humour. Ok kids, I’ll give you this one. Kids will laugh at anything like farts, peek-a-boo, and tickle matches.

So as you can see, there’s going to have to be a lot more convincing on my behalf before I will warm to the idea of children. Any child of mine will have to be an accident.

Once the birthing stories were over, the conversation switched to “how everyone gets that musky smell out of their dish cloths and towels and whether or not they use bleach on their children’s laundry”. As a result, I drank a Mickey of vodka and joined the boys in the basement where they were jamming and cranking out old Tool songs. Much more my comfort zone! It ended up being a really fun night and Cards Against Humanity was brought out.

Anyways, going to go make some oatmeal and get my life back on track! Perhaps some cooking blogs need to be browsed so I can be inspired and cook something delicious for dinner tonight!

Hope everyone’s Christmas was amazing and you all got fat too 🙂

To be Skinny, Or Not to Be.

Women are bombarded by images of fit, thin, and beautiful babes all day long. This isn’t going to be a feminist rant about the unrealistic expectations women face in today’s society. That has been discussed ad nauseum and is not the point I am trying to make. There are millions of “get thin quick” promises and diet regimes and exercise plans that can be accessed for free, for $5, or for hundreds of dollars. It takes a long time to weed through the formulas on how to get thin. I have spent the last 5 years reading fitness blogs, magazines, scientific research papers, celebrity ghost-written diet books, following Instagram fembots, asking Google, and asking friends and family and strangers how they would go about getting into shape. There are so many different opinions and it has taken me 5 years of fad diets and quick fixes to finally get serious and start practicing cleaner eating habits and daily exercise.

This is the obvious part: there is no easy way to be thin and pretty and strong. It takes 3 things:

1) Full commitment: Nobody has ever gotten into great shape by being half committed to the process. If you want serious results, you need to be seriously committed. Dieting Monday to Thursday and then binge drinking and eating whatever you want all weekend will not work. You need to change your lifestyle. 99% of the fittest women you follow on Instagram do not drink, do not party, and do not snack on cocktail weenies at social gatherings. It is a sacrifice and it all comes down to how badly they want to be healthy and lean and happy.

2) Reasonable expectations: If you gain 20 pounds in 2 years, it is not reasonable to expect to lose 20 pounds in a month. It takes time. Sorry. You need to commit to a lengthy journey and process if you want to safely lose and maintain your weight loss. A pound a week is probably optimistic if you only have 10-20 pounds to lose. If you are much heavier, then it is probably safe and easier to lose a few pounds a week with steady diet and exercise. Although I have never let myself get heavier than that, so I guess I shouldn’t speak on how easy it is to lose weight when you are morbidly obese. Another thing, is most the women who posts these ultra ripped photos showing off their abs and ridiculous cut muscles do not look like that every day. They train to look like that. It is not normal so expecting those results requires an insane amount of knowledge and work.

3) Misery: Because forcing yourself to exercise sucks. It takes a while before you actually look forward to exercising. I look forward to parts of my routines.. sometimes.. but I have never woken up and thought “Holy crap I can’t wait to put my running shoes on and hit elliptical and do interval training!” and I probably never will feel like that. Instead, I play a game with myself every morning seeing how long I can relax and drink coffee before I make myself get my ass in gear and go work out. Note: Misery is followed by Joy when the workout is over! Restricting your diet to healthy foods, reducing your sugar intake, and paying attention to the food you put in your mouth can also be depressing and takes a bit of getting used to. My Fitness Pal is an easy app to use and it helps to be more aware of how crappy your eating habits are.

Now, I am sure there are going to be some girls who read this and protest and insist “they love working out” and “they don’t diet, they just like eating raw vegetables and juicing and don’t crave sugar”. That’s fine and great for them. But I’m going to guess that these girls are lying.. either to me or to themselves. The truth is, being fit is hard work. If it isn’t hard work, then you are doing it wrong.

Now, I have read a lot of feminist articles and blogs about how women should love their bodies the way they are and be proud to be “curvy” or “round”. This sort of irks me for a few reasons. First of all, I have nothing against larger women because I am a tall, curvy, booby and booty kind of girl myself. I do have to say that I get annoyed when I see blogs written by obese women praising themselves for being who they really are and how everyone should love themselves no matter what size they are. I call bullshit. Being overweight causes so many health problems that are avoidable by diet and exercise. As a result, our healthcare system gets flooded by these (avoidable) problems. My girlfriends father is a physician and he tells her all the time how many patients he sees whose problems are all caused from poor eating habits and lack of exercise. This is not a lifestyle that should be celebrated. I’m sorry. If you are overweight and happy with your body and your life, great! Excellent! I am happy for you! But it is insulting to be scoffed at for wanting a better lifestyle and a healthier physique. I work out and eat clean for myself because I LOVE my body. It is hard to believe that a morbidly obese person LOVES their body. If that were true, then they would do all they could to treat it like a temple. Stop being advocates of LAZY lifestyles while the rest of us work for ours!

Secondly, women get criticized for healthy eating habits because “it’s awkward at restaurants” or they are “too picky”. In one blog… should I? Ya I’m going to. In THIS blog, the author pretty much mocks women who eat small portions and healthy foods. I get it.. people on diets can’t eat and drink like people who aren’t on diets. But that is part of their lifestyle and their choice to be healthier. You don’t have to eat a greasy cheeseburger or chicken alfredo to have a good time. You don’t need to drink 2 bottles of wine to be social. I understand that it sucks not being able to eat fatty sugary foods and drink booze all the time, but you shouldn’t be ashamed to be working on your health.

She’s a definite type. You know her. Or seven of her. She’s the woman who brings fruit and yogurt to the office pizza party. The one who orders her sandwich on lettuce because she’s “watching her carbs.” She’s the one you notice ordering, because she orders in such a way you can’t help but notice, and her set of restrictions makes her seem like not a very fun person. It’s not fair, but it’s true.

No wonder women struggle with their weight. In our society, it’s “attractive” to eat pizza and drink beer, but it’s also “attractive” to be thin and fit and beautiful. Well I’m sorry, world. This is just not possible. So to the haters and the lazy women who complain about their “extra 15 pounds” or how “they love their large and in charge bodies”, I say, stop making excuses for yourself to be unfit. Go ahead and love your fat but don’t bully other women who are trying to eat healthy by saying they are “unfun” or “don’t love themselves”.

Getting into shape and living a healthy lifestyle is hard enough as it is without a world full of haters making it even harder! So if you are like me and you are making an effort to be thinner and stronger and make better eating decisions, congrats! You know what it takes. You also know that you have to do it for YOU, not so other people will think you are a better person. Do it for your happiness! Ignore the lazy ignorant people in the world! They will never feel the satisfaction of being truly happy in their own bodies 🙂