Before my life is ruined.

I took a little hiatus with my posts due to a certain little furry creature that invaded my life. Having a puppy is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can’t believe people have babies. I can barely keep my shit together with a puppy. And I can at least throw him in a kennel when I’m really pissed off at him. What do new moms do when they are annoyed with their new babies though? It sounds ridiculous but as much as I love the little guy, Biggie Smalls has made me reconsider having kids. Which lead me and Ayns to a discussion on the cruelty of women’s bodies. It seems unfair that we have to be sober for 9 months, ruin our bodies, and do all of this before 40.

I am turning 30 this year and let me tell you, it is a good time to be alive. I have infinite possibilities ahead of me. I am wise enough to make grown up decisions (although I always consult with mother just to be sure I’m not being a dickhead or an idiot). I have disposable income to a certain extent. I live in a beautiful house I built with my husband and family. I have great friends and a pretty wicked family. I am literally fulfilling my dreams of building a yoga studio and teaching yoga for a living. I have the cutest dog on the fucking planet. For real. Look at him.


  
  
  

Right? He’s disgustingly cute. Anyways, life is pretty fucking good. Here’s the problem though. I am married. I have a stable home and husband. But now everyone’s asking when we are going to have babies and how soon I am going to get pregnant. I already am the oldest married woman with no children in the Kootenays I’m pretty sure. People stare at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them I don’t have kids and don’t plan to for a while. It’s like I am proclaiming my love of satan. Like I support the KKK and hate kittens and think global warming isn’t real and I would largely be in support of Donald Trump becoming the President if I were an American. Why should I feel this social pressure to have babies right away because of my age and where I am in my life? OH right. Because the female reproductive system is on a timer. A pretty fucked up timer that basically increases your chances of having complications every day that goes by that you don’t have a baby. So let’s say I plan on having 2 kids that are, say, 3 years apart in age. I basically have 1-2 years to start having kids then before I get into the danger zone.

Which leads me to this.. am I supposed to get pregnant in the next year or so? Because that is fucked. I don’t want a baby right now. I have a puppy and a husband and trust me that’s plenty for me.

So thanks, mother nature. Thanks a lot for fucking up my 30s. It would have been way fucking cooler if it was the norm to get pregnant in your 40s in my opinion. My mom had me when she was 36 and I turned out alright. Right? Don’t answer that..

So ya. It sucks being a woman. It sucks having to be the one to grow humans inside of you. But this made me feel better and I hope it makes you feel better too.

At least we have large beautiful brains that fit nicely inside our skulls and not tiny little ones that live inside the head of our genitals. Yes, women are crazy. We are emotional and sometimes irrational. We over think everything and worry about situations that don’t exist. But I would rather feel 5000 emotions in one day than only 5: “I feel like eating”, “I feel like shitting”, “I feel like sleeping”, “I feel like doing it”, and “I feel like watching hockey”. Don’t get me wrong, Karlin is a beautiful human being, but he exhibits .001% of the emotions and feelings I do and he would be the first to tell you this!

Bit of a rant, but my point is, if I have to start making babies, I need a list of things I want to do before that day comes. So here it is:

  1. Start my own yoga studio (SOOOONNNN)
  2. Go on a retreat to Bali
  3. Find my mom a place to live in Fruity
  4. Build the biggest sun deck on the planet
  5. Have one last romantic vacation somewhere warm with Karlin
  6. Do a boudoir photo shoot in really expensive lingerie before I completely fuck my body up
  7. Train Bigs not to be such a shit head
  8. Vegas. Just once more

If I could do all these things I think I would be willing to make babies.

This is just about all the time Bigs is going to allow my to type on his favorite chew toy (my lap top). Until next time, which hopefully isn’t months from now! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rats

Spend 6 weeks working out and eating clean. Lose 5 pounds. Eat unhealthy and drink for 3 days.. Gain it all back! So much for watching my portions!! Oh well back on track today. It’s really hard with Karlin being home! He gets up and makes delicious gourmet coffee and a huge bacon and egg breakfast while I eat oatmeal and put skim milk in my small coffee with Stevia!! FUCKING RIP OFF.

So I’m at this party the other night and get stuck with the circle of women swapping birthing stories. One girl asks if I have kids and I said no I’m not sure if I want kids. She looked at me like I had 9 heads and blood dripping out of my mouths. Why are women so judgmental? Why does it matter if I don’t want children? It doesn’t affect her decision to have them. Like it honestly has NO impact on her life so why do people gawk when I tell them I don’t really want kids? It just makes me roll my eyes. Then they all went on about how I’ll change my mind and how amazing motherhood is. So I threw Karlin’s sister into it and was like “I don’t know about that.. Robyn tells me all the time how awful her day is and how she wants to kill herself because of the girls” hahahah. Because let’s face it, kids are fucking annoying. I was thinking the other day about what I look for in friends and people I want in my life. Here are just some examples:

1) loyalty. Kids aren’t loyal. They’d sell their parents for a juice box.
2) kindness. Kids are fucking mean. They don’t like to share and they are bossy.
3) intelligence. Nope! Kids are dumb because they lack brain development.
4) generosity. Kids take and they take and never give you anything. They are the definition of selfish. And they never pay for drinks.
5) sense of humour. Ok kids, I’ll give you this one. Kids will laugh at anything like farts, peek-a-boo, and tickle matches.

So as you can see, there’s going to have to be a lot more convincing on my behalf before I will warm to the idea of children. Any child of mine will have to be an accident.

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Once the birthing stories were over, the conversation switched to “how everyone gets that musky smell out of their dish cloths and towels and whether or not they use bleach on their children’s laundry”. As a result, I drank a Mickey of vodka and joined the boys in the basement where they were jamming and cranking out old Tool songs. Much more my comfort zone! It ended up being a really fun night and Cards Against Humanity was brought out.

Anyways, going to go make some oatmeal and get my life back on track! Perhaps some cooking blogs need to be browsed so I can be inspired and cook something delicious for dinner tonight!

Hope everyone’s Christmas was amazing and you all got fat too 🙂