Wild Rose Cleanse

Ok I’m on Day 8 of the Wild Rose Cleanse and I’ve been reading a lot of testimonials and I’m a bit confused. 

1) Everyone talks about how they shit non-stop. That’s just not the case for me? I mean I wake up and poop. It’s not pretty, but it’s a poop.. then I am usually good until the next day. Sometimes I have  another one in the late afternoon but not usually? Maybe I’m just so fucking healthy there’s no toxins to get rid of? Pfffft

2) People talk about the aches and pains they have like they are getting the flu. I’ve literally felt nothing like this. I’ve been grumpy AF because I want a cheeseburger and some fucking wine, but no flu symptoms. 

3) People are boasting they have lost 10-15 pounds on this cleanse. Ok I’m also on my period so maybe this has something to do with it but I’ve lost 2.5 pounds. In 8 days. That’s nothing to write home about and I’ve been following the diet to a T. I just read one where this chick caved on day 5 and drank every day for the rest of it and ate pizza and she’s like “tee hee I still lost 10 pounds” and I’m like YOU BITCH.

4) “I lost all my cravings for sugar and bad foods”. Are you serious? How? I caught myself staring at my dog today thinking about what he’d taste like with cheese on him. I need cheese in my life and small amounts of brown sugar. It’s what I’m most excited to eat. There’s not an hour that goes by without my mind creating a food fantasy. So shut up all you Internet liars saying you have no cravings near the end. (I will update you on day 12 if this miraculous event happens). 

5) “There’s lots to eat”. This is true but it’s all mega boring and you can’t put sauce on it because every god damn sauce has sugar or vinegar in it. 

So I think I have more energy and my belly is definetly flatter, but this has been a testament to my will power. I don’t think I’ve been this sober in 10 years. I guess that’s a good thing. But it’s super boring, dude. We have been really productive with all this spare time though. Amazing what you will clean when you’re avoiding the kitchen/liquor cabinet. 
I took before measurements so I’ll post my final results on Saturday morning (post shit). You’re welcome!

I’m dreaming of white wine at Christmas

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Eggs and shoulders, yo

For those of you that know me, you will know that I have an extreme hate for eggs. I find them smelly and vile and they remind me of old man balls. They way they jiggle and look like flesh and stare at you like “I dare you to put me in your mouth”. They are extremely gross and remind me of sad little chicken abortions.. which is pretty much exactly what they are. Who decided to try to eat an egg in the first place? Like some farmer must have been really high to take something from a chicken butt and then fry it up and eat it. Barf. So you must be wondering how I have managed to get away without eating eggs my entire life. Well, I haven’t. I will eat them, but they must be cleverly disguised. Costumes can range from cheese suits, buttery toast sandwiches and most recently: tacos. I know most of you are going to look at this and think “dude, that’s just a breakfast burrito”, and I am totally aware of this. But in Crawly Land, breakfast burritos are closely linked to eggs. So I prefer to call my breakfast a Non-Egg Breakfast Taco. Behold..

So I put all the ingredients into My Fitness Pal and it turns out, this Non-Egg Breakfast Taco has under 400 calories. I didn’t think it would keep me full all morning but it’s noon and I am not starving! Success. Unfortunately, I had to deal with the smell of frying eggs to make it, but it was worth it. It was like a shitty taco. With my strong love for tacos leading me through it, I was able to plow through and eat it quite happily.

Speaking of tacos, I decided the best thing to do was stay with the theme of the day and make tacos for dinner. I found a slow cooker recipe for pork shoulder that involved a ton of garlic and tomatoes and lots of yummy spices like coriander and cumin. So after pumping it full of garlic every place I could, I covered it in salt and pepper, threw in a can of tomatoes, and now it is filling my house with an amazing aroma.

My plan for tonight is to whip up some guacamole, caramelize some onions and peppers, and throw some salsa on top of the shredded pork shoulder. I have to run to the store later and might see if I can pick up some cabbage and soak it in some white wine vinegar. Just to impress Karlin. Side note: this did not happen.

Ok so holy hell. These were bomb ass taco/burritos. I added some beer to the crock pot about half way through for no reason other than I wanted to drink half a beer around 1 PM without feeling guilty. After 10 hours the meat fell off the bone. I took about 3/4 of the liquid out and shredded the meat, then added some chili powder and cumin. I caramelized some beauty onions and peppers. Topped with a bit of cheese and some guacamole and these things were unbelievable. They were probably not bad calorie wise.. But I ate 3 of them. Oopsies! 

   
    
   
I paired it with an entire bottle of leftover wedding wine too! Maybe that’s why it all tasted so amazing? Whatever. Fuck it. It was delicious. 

  

Cauliflower: Not just my nickname..

I finally gave in and tried this cauliflower rice shenanigans. I have to hand it to you, cauliflower. You’re pretty alright!

I got some pointers how to make a good batch and gave it a shot because I’ve been eating way too much rice lately! It’s not horrible for you but it’s a lot of calories. 

So essentially, you cut your cauli into pieces so you can jam it into a food processor. 

  
Place in a bowl and run some other yummy things through the processor like parsley and onions. 

  
I’m sure you could add anything and it would be delicious. Fry up the onions and such in a big pan then when they are soft, add your cauli. Fry it for a few minutes until everything is all mixed in.

 
Add a tiny bit of broth and cover for another 5 min and you’re good to go! So much faster than rice and it tastes bomb ass. 

I also grilled some asparagus and threw some gang signs. 

  

BBQ some chicken and you got yourself one healthy dinner!

  Does anyone else think my chicken looks like a frog? This is like a 500 calorie dinner and I was full. Karlin said it was delicious but was still hungry but he’s a boy and can’t keep weight ON.. So I just made him eat ice cream after with PB2 and he was fine.. 

I’ve also discovered the beauty of mustard again. When I was gluten free I went to mustard when I needed flavour and happiness. I’m back again and man do I love mustard. I made a 400 calorie turkey sandwich and it was fucking delicious. Mostly due to the mustard! 

  
So it’s been a delicious week in food, despite being on a 1200 calorie diet. Tonight is Turkey spaghetti with spaghetti squash and I’m looking forward to bathing in Parmesan cheese. I could gargle with that shit. 

Down 2 pounds and almost back to my pre-may-long self. Pre-10000-beers. 

Who needs an excuse to buy Brie?

They were selling little pucks of Brie for dirt cheap at the grocery store so technically I HAD to buy one. Not that I needed an excuse. It’s Brie. Brie is a cheese. Cheese is a necessity in life. 

I baked some chicken breasts in half a cup of beer with some oregano and salt and pepper. For the last 5 minutes, I drizzled this expensive balsamic oil my dad brought me back from Italy on the chicken breasts. Then I sliced the Brie on top and let it melt into Brie jizz heaven. Topped with fresh strawberries and this was born..

  

The best part about this was that it was fat free and only 120 calories!* 

I am contemplating what gem I should make for dinner tonight. I have some lobster tails in the freezer but I’m pretty sure I don’t know how to cook lobster tails and would just end up disappointing myself. I might just take a stroll through the grocery store and see what meats jump at me! Or perhaps it’s a good pancakes for dinner day. Mmmm

*pffft more like 1,200 calories

Busy beeeee

Holy. I’ve finally found my way out of a black hole. Temporarily.. Here’s what I’ve been up to in a really short story.

So Damien showed up on my doorstep last Wednesday. We decided to play adventure land and found a weird Russian cemetery island.. So bizarre.

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Then we went on a sculpture walk downtown Castlegar.

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Then we had lunch at the local stripper bar. No pics. Derrr.

Then we went to the top of the Bombi and took some cool pics of Castlegar. Note: panoramic views are hilarious when you move around.

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Then we came home and picked up Karlin and drove to the Rock Cut up the mountain in Rossland. Drinks may have been consumed.

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On the way home Dam insisted we stop at the local pub, even though I insisted it was a disgusting hole. After 4 drinks, he finally agreed.

The next day we went to Nelson and checked out my favorite Middle Eastern hole and had shawarma bowls.

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Unbelievable. So much tzaziki and hummus goodness. There was a feminist protest going on with these crazy chicks dressed as bears that were vandalizing shit screaming Shut down Canada. Fucking hippie losers. I love Nelson, but it’s full of fucking crazy people. So we headed to the beach and went under the bridge.

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Then we came home and Damien and I watched movies and made fun of our friends. Steph and Jen arrived around 11 and it was a love fest. Barnes sent a Christmas present along with them and it summed up my life.

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Also, did anyone see that news clip of the deal eating an octopus? Because it’s fucking baller. I DON’T.. FUCK WITH… Youuuuu

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So the next morning we woke up and had breakies then headed out to the Pendelreille (I have no fucking idea how to spell that) and took the old rape whistle out. So much fun. Of course you can’t go skeet shooting and drink beers without looking like a total fucking babe.

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We found a lovely little spot and brought the skeet thrower. #budlightlife

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After that, things escalated very quickly and we set a brush fire back at home because we weren’t quite being redneck as fuck.

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There was a lot of wall twerking going on and then a discussion about why girls wear leggings non stop was brought up. So my future husband and his buddy decided to put on my leggings. And they fucking liked it.

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The next day, we decided it would be a good idea to go curling. And it was.

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We had a pizza party after (I brought healthy chili and didn’t even eat pizza. Ya. I fucking rock). Then we got silly and had some couch cuddles and stayed up late watching scary movies.

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Yesterday all those fuckers finally left. Just kidding I love them all dearly and I’d love if they stayed forever. However, my liver might disagree.

So here’s some good news: I stuck to my workout schedule every day they were here, I avoided most shitty food and we cooked turkey burgers on Saturday night. My wine consumption was through the God damn roof because we buy 1.5 L bottles and don’t fuck around. But at the end of all the chaos, I didn’t gain a single pound so I must have been doing something right! GO TEAM.

Next week I’m off to Pheonix so I need to start cutting right fucking now. Nothing but salads and chicken baby. Actually, beads gave me a vegan cookbook for Christmas and I was looking through some of the recipes and they look unfuckingreal so I might dabble into it.

Also, I’m going on a trip tomorrow to a secret location that I cannot disclose right now in case somebody is reading this. But I will be away for the next 5 days, come home, have a photoshoot with this bank that wants to take pics of our kitchen, then I leave for Pheonix for 10 days. So depending on my down time, this may be another trip to a black hole. If so, see you on the other side when I have a tan!

India to Fruitvale: Butter Chicken Heaven

Butter chicken is usually a treat for Karlin and I because we can only get it in Castlegar at this little Indian hole in the wall. We have attempted to make it a few times and it’s always been less than satisfactory. The butter chicken in a jar is bland and full of preservatives, and the other recipes I have tried ended up just tasting like curried chicken, which is not what I crave.

So we attempted to make it again, this time taking care to marinade the tandoori chicken before hand.

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The next most important step apparently is cartelizing onions. Who knew? It took probably 25-30 minutes. I love the smell of onions. Another one added to my list of delicious smelling recipes.

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The only ingredient one could potentially not have is garam masala but I had some from previous failed attempts. I also added tandoori masala to the chicken marinade. I think next time I would put a little less cinnamon and a little more paprika also.

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So ya then it’s pretty simple.. Add spices to onion and garlic mixture..

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Add canned tomatoes and cook for a few minutes then add cream..

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Blend it all together with my most favourite tool in the kitchen:

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Add the marinaded chicken.

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Open wine and make fun of your finances hockey team that’s losing..

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And then eat! Bon appetite! Or whatever they say in India..

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According to My Fitness Pal, one serving was only 190 calories so that’s great!

Last night I swear I went through wine withdrawal. We had a lovely pork tenderloin dinner and watched American Sniper and I just so badly craved wine. But I’m glad we didn’t because I woke up this morning and am down 2 stubborn ass pounds! WOOO

Nothing motivates me more than seeing dem pounds drop baby. I’m picking up my wedding dress next month and it leaves VERY little to the imagination so I’ve got to hit it hard for the next few months. Later, back chub.

I’m hoping to finish m wedding invitations today. I made them because I’m not a sucker and refused to pay like $200 for someone else to fuck around in Photoshop. I will post pics later. They sort of make me laugh and have a deer on them with flowers in his antlers.

I better get out of bed now! TEA TIME

Gnocchi Chicken Stew for Hungry Girls

Gnocchi! Where have you been all my life you delicious little potatoey noodle goodness? I will admit, I saved up a good chunk of calories for this dinner and did a little extra cardio just to be sure. I found this recipes in this months copy of Eating Well . I have never cooked with gnocchi before, but I am going to start now! I still don’t believe it but the recipe said for 2 cups of this stuff, it’s 542 calories. That’s not bad considering I had to stuff my cheeks to get all the delicious morsels of chicken, veggies and gnocchis in! The ingredients are simple and easy and was really simple. I made an absolute mess of the kitchen for some reason, regardless of the recipes simplicity!

Here’s a peek!

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The thyme makes the entire house smell awesome. I’m always mentally taking notes of aromatic recipes for when I cook for guests. It just seems more impressive and makes me look like a mother fucking chef. #chefcrawly

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I had to switch skillets half way through because I started off being too lazy to wash my favourite one and tried using one without Teflon on it and the chicken was sticking. COOL STORY, BRO.

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Voila! I just ate 2 cups and feel delightfully satisfied and close to being stuffed.

Also, we picked this up at a little specialty shop I mentioned the other day..

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You add about a shot of it to soda water and it is so incredibly refreshing! Think ginger ale without the added sugar. Of course we add vodka to ours too duh. But it’s my new favourite drink treat. (I still love you, wine. No hard feelings).

It snowed about 2 ft today. By the looks of it, I will be creating some sort of freezer pantry masterpiece tomorrow for din because my poor little baby Jetson doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere any time soon! Night kiddies

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