Turkey stuffed orgasms

This is a leftover haters nightmare and a leftover lovers G spot.

Ingredients for peppers:
Lean ground turkey
1-1/2 cups Leftover basmati rice
3 cloves of garlic
Half an onion
3 red peppers
Thyme
Blob of sweet chili sauce
Blob of Buffalo wing sauce
Salt and pepper
1/4 avocado that’s brown in my fridge
1 slice of havarti cheese
Cherry tomatoes that look like they have a day left in them.

Brown the turkey with all that crap in it. Stuff them into the peppers and top with ripped up havarti and avocado. Bake for 10 minutes at 350.

Salad:
Spinach on its way out
Kale.. You son of a bitch, kale.
Old Strawberries like 4 big ones
Sunflower seeds
Green onions that sit forever in the fridge
Shredded carrot. Just one

Salad dressing:
Oil and vinegar!

If you don’t make this, you lose, man.
It took me about 20 min to make this. I was totally uninspired until I talked to Jen Savage. She made me do it. Ridiculously good.

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Im not sure how many calories are in this dinner, but I am on week two of MaxWorkouts and felt like puking when I did today’s workout with Karlin. Yes we work out together. He’s friggin hot. I want his body. Wait.. I own his body. He’s mine I touched him last. OWN IT.

He had to drag me out of bed at 4:30pm today to workout. This was me today..

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He makes me do extra sets and burpees. I love him less at these moments, but then I get over it.

Anywho, been dealing with a few haters this week so I am mentally drained and have zero nice things to say without writing the C word so I shall retire for the night xxx

AMERICA

I think I should live in America. I love Canada, but America is pretty dope as well. I really like that you can buy a pregnancy test, a porno mag, bath salts, and a 6-pack of Coors in the same gas station. And with that shopping list, you all know how my trip played out.

Joking. I don’t drink Coors.

While the boys went off to write their NERC exam, I went to the mall and bought all sorts of shit. I couldn’t even spend $200 because I just kept scoring things for ridiculously cheap. I wanted to buy and nice pair of black riding boots and I found a pair that I had tried on in Calgary in the fall but didn’t buy because they were too expensive. They were on sale for $30… $30….

AMERICA.

Then I found a cute BCBG bag.. $30….

I was in the land of $30. It was pretty awesome.

What was more awesome was the cheat meal I destroyed. We went to this old steam factory that had been transformed into a brewery called the Steam Plant.

It was spectacular. We got very tipsy and went exploring. There was a really cool banquet hall situated inside this old steam factory boiler thing with water running through it. I was quite pleased.

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I didn’t get a chance to snap a pic of my delicious cheat meal because as soon as it was laid before me, I turned into a ravenous cheetah that just stumbled upon a sleeping baby gazelle. Let’s just say, it was a lot of red meat piled high with cheese, mushrooms, and caramelized onions. I just peed a little thinking about it. Topped off with a double stacked stout and I was pretty much a goner.

And man did I pay for it. There’s a reason I don’t drink craft beer and burgers every night. I was a wreck on the way home. I Lindsay Lohan’d hard.

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I did manage to get home and do my gruelling workout with Karlin though.. Not by choice.. But he was headed down to the gym to workout and I didn’t want to be THAT chick who does nothing all day because she’s hungover, so I joined him. He even made us a delicious and healthy dinner. Bless this man. I told him if dinner was my responsibility that night, we’d be mashing KD into our mouths. BUH LEE DAT.

But we are back on point. I even made this super racist kale and spinach salad the other night. GREENS ONLY.

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Just kidding. I added some baked chicken nuggets that I made and topped it with this sweet chili dressing (pretty much sweet chili, light mayo and hot sauce) and some sweet red peppers. Voila!

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I think we are going skiing later today with Karlins best man. I’m bringing vodka. My ass hurts from so much squattage.

Oh and mother bear sent me a new Paleo cookbook in the mail that I’m going to dig into this weekend so stay tuned!

Put Some Glitter On It

Day 1 of this stupid MaxWorkout shit Karlin downloaded. This guy who designed the workouts motto is like “Don’t make excuses, make changes”, but it should be “I’m going to make you cry and puke and hurt in weird areas of your body that you never think of like the middle of your left tit and just below your knee caps, slut bitch”.

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You do a bunch of consecutive exercises then have a minute recovery period. This was me in recovery. I should have taken videos so you could hear me whimpering.

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The only thing that kept me going through the workout was the fact that my usual fix for things that don’t look right (putting glitter on it) is not going to work in regards to my back fat. My wedding dress is very.. Er.. low and see through.. and I don’t think Michaels and Walmart combined could provide enough glitter to cover my back lard and deceive my audience.
Hot Tip: Google “glitter back fat images”. Thank you, Internet. You never cease to amaze me.

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I am waiting on this guy from Edmonton to send me his thesis paper to edit. It’s his Masters dissertation in Petroleum Engineering. Can’t wait to read this nail biter. I hope there’s a climax where all of the sudden everything makes sense and I learn something about myself throughout the process of editing it… If not.. I guess I could just add it in for him FOR FREE. Trust me, man. I know how to get people going. If he gets mad I will say “JUST PAYING IT FORWARD” and then end all communication with him. Like any professional proofreader would. OBVI.

Damn it. He just replied. Guess I’m working today.

Also, this came up in my glittery back fat search. You’re welcome.

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Fuck You Curry Lentils

So I gave myself food poisoning. Good job, champ. I made this “delicious curry lentil chicken” bullshit and have been unable to process food the same way ever since. So here is my review on lentils.

THEY ARE GROSS.

Ok, on their behalf I feel obliged to admit that my chicken was closing in on 5 days old in the fridge and who knows how long it had been at the grocery store. But still. Lentils are forever ruined. I will never ignore my mothers advice ever again. Quiz time: which of these pictures looks more like curry lentil garbage?

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Trick question! They both are curry lentil garbage!

I went to Nelson to go to hot yoga yesterday and have lunch. I was about 30 minutes into the torture when all of the sudden I felt a horrible sensation. I was almost positive I pooped a little. (I later checked. I did not). Jen and I discussed this and determined it was just a heavy air fart. Regardless, it has been downhill pretty much since then. Yes, this is information you need to know so you never make the same mistake. Also, don’t use old chicken. I am often too frugal to waste meat so instead of saving myself the pain, I usually always give it a quick sniff, conclude that it smells kind of gross, then cook with it anyways. Luckily, it tasted so bad from the terrible spices (I’m looking at you cumin and coriander) that I warned Karlin not to eat it. So he escaped the bad chicken… and gross lentils.

If you are wondering which shitty recipe I used so you can never make it, you may find it HERE. I find it sort of ironic that the recipe comes from a blog called Slimming Eats. Yea.. it’s slimming alright. BECAUSE NO FOOD CAN SURVIVE IN YOUR BODY AFTER YOU EAT CURRY LENTILS.

I am starting to feel better now though. We just took the dog snow shoeing around our property (because I refused to go anywhere further without a toilet) and it was good. There is about 3 feet of snow. Or deeper. It is crazy! Also, I look special.

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We are going to Spokane on Tuesday so Karlin can write his NERC exam. I guess I don’t have to come, but who passes up a free work trip? NOT I.  I am excited because I am going to go to A MALL. A REAL MALLLLLLL. I think I need some new workout gear. I hate when pants pill and my wunderunders are pilling badly. They are also getting loose around the band so I need a smaller pair. WHAT WHATTTTT. There is going to be some celebrating after the exam because Karlin and his buddy are both writing at the same time. So I am planning on getting in my workout tomorrow, Tuesday morning, then Thursday night. Sorry Wednesday. You lose.

Jen and I had our first sober weekend this weekend. WHAT DO SOBER PEOPLE DO FOR FUN!? I don’t get it. I was so fucking bored. I’m not saying booze is necessary to have a good time, but sharing a bottle of wine with dinner is just so nice! Watching a movies with a little vodkie is so much more fun than watching it drinking water. In fact, I just fall asleep from boredom. Hanging out with people is pretty much out of the question because everyone in this place drinks. There is nothing to do at night time that is social unless booze is involved. Or eating. I just cannot waste the calories! It will be worth it in the end. I just keep telling myself that. Once I am down to my goal, then it’s just a matter of maintaining. Which I can do perfectly fine! It’s the losing part that’s hard! Maintaining is way easier though. Just work out lots!

DO IT FOR THE WINEEEEEEEEEEEE

Easy Feta, Spinach, and Mushroom Stuffed Thighs

These are so delicious and you can make a but load of them and freeze them. I sort of just made the recipe up, loosely based on one my mom makes for me. I didn’t have all the ingredients she uses though so I free balled it and Karlin didn’t believe that I didn’t use a recipe.

So I pounded the crap out of some chicken thighs and placed a bunch of spinach, crumbled feta, and chopped mushrooms in the middle.

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This requires a lot of messy hands. You roll it up as best as you can while jamming all the stuff that falls out back into its little butt. Then I just took toothpicks and stabbed them through to hold it.

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So I made 12 and placed them in my dish like sooooo:

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I always cut way too many mushrooms and never know what to do with them so I just sprinkled the leftover mushrooms on top. Then I added a can of tomatoes and some grated Parmesan on top.

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For seasoning I just used salt and pepper, seasoning salt (because I put it on every meat), and some fresh oregano.
And voila!

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I’ve been looking at recipes involving lentils because I’ve never cooked with them before and hear they are delicious and full of good stuff. I know Ethiopian food uses a lot of lentils and spices so I think I should attempt to make more curries and ethnic spiced things to make things more interesting!
Any recipe suggestions would be greatly appreciated 🙂

6 Fashion Trends I’m So Effing Over

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who will agree with me regarding some of the heinous trends that are kicking around lately. Here are the ones that make me barf the most.

1) These revolting hammer pants which are apparently called Harem pants. I’m sorry, does it look like we live on the set of Aladdin? Do we fly around on magic carpets and confess our secrets to our bestfriend monkeys? No. Beiber.. Stop. Kim.. Enough.

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2) Filthy furry boots. Who even wears these “winter” boots. I’m sorry, but where I live, we have a little thing called snow.. which creates slush..which would fucking destroy these ugly stuffed Furby monstrosities.

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3) Acid wash jeans but more importantly, crop tops. They are not high fashion. They look good on absolutely nobody. I especially like seeing girls at the bar or at a party after they are 5 beers deep wearing crop tops. It may have been whorey cute when you were standing in front of your mirror, pre-5 beers deep, but now you are bloated and look like a walrus wearing a bib. If I wanted to see your gut, I’d stalk you at the beach.

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4) This odd frilly thing on plaid shirts. I don’t get it.. What is the point?

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5) Fake French manicure nails. I’ve been hating on these for a while now. Like at least 10 years. I’ve even had a set or two in my lifetime when I was in high school. They make me cringe. They scream cheap tacky pornstar wannabe to me. There are so many beautiful ways to manicure your hooves. Don’t choose this one please.

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6) Dyed grey hair. Do young women not realize that one day their hair will be grey whether they like it or not? Why are you wasting your prime years dying your hair weird shades of grey?! WHY?? Jenna Marbles.. I’m looking at you.

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India to Fruitvale: Butter Chicken Heaven

Butter chicken is usually a treat for Karlin and I because we can only get it in Castlegar at this little Indian hole in the wall. We have attempted to make it a few times and it’s always been less than satisfactory. The butter chicken in a jar is bland and full of preservatives, and the other recipes I have tried ended up just tasting like curried chicken, which is not what I crave.

So we attempted to make it again, this time taking care to marinade the tandoori chicken before hand.

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The next most important step apparently is cartelizing onions. Who knew? It took probably 25-30 minutes. I love the smell of onions. Another one added to my list of delicious smelling recipes.

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The only ingredient one could potentially not have is garam masala but I had some from previous failed attempts. I also added tandoori masala to the chicken marinade. I think next time I would put a little less cinnamon and a little more paprika also.

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So ya then it’s pretty simple.. Add spices to onion and garlic mixture..

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Add canned tomatoes and cook for a few minutes then add cream..

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Blend it all together with my most favourite tool in the kitchen:

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Add the marinaded chicken.

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Open wine and make fun of your finances hockey team that’s losing..

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And then eat! Bon appetite! Or whatever they say in India..

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According to My Fitness Pal, one serving was only 190 calories so that’s great!

Last night I swear I went through wine withdrawal. We had a lovely pork tenderloin dinner and watched American Sniper and I just so badly craved wine. But I’m glad we didn’t because I woke up this morning and am down 2 stubborn ass pounds! WOOO

Nothing motivates me more than seeing dem pounds drop baby. I’m picking up my wedding dress next month and it leaves VERY little to the imagination so I’ve got to hit it hard for the next few months. Later, back chub.

I’m hoping to finish m wedding invitations today. I made them because I’m not a sucker and refused to pay like $200 for someone else to fuck around in Photoshop. I will post pics later. They sort of make me laugh and have a deer on them with flowers in his antlers.

I better get out of bed now! TEA TIME

I WANT TO PLAY BEER PONG

I fell into a black hole apparently.
Had an interview for a job I am over qualified for and didn’t want in the first place. That was entertaining. I love interview questions.
“Tell me about a time when you dealt with someone you didn’t want to deal with”

Me: IT IS HAPPENING.. RIGHT NOW

We spent the weekend cross country skiing (aka torture and make fun of Colleen time). Luckily, I have amazing athleticism and was able to fall gracefully most the time. Except when I took my skis off and kicked them down the hill and yelled “I FUCKING HATE SKIING”. People just need to realize I suck at everything that involves physical activity except working out in a gym and maybe walking. And even then, it’s debatable. Of course, Karlin felt the need to document my horror.

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It looks like I’m having fun..

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But I’m not. I’m screaming.

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At least I looked like a Russian movie star while skiing, and the view was really gorgeous at the lake!

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Poopy Pants Sid

Seeing as it’s Thursday, I thought a nice throwback story was necessary. This one is for Ayns. It takes place in 2011, in the horrible era of our online dating careers. After trying out a few Plenty of Fish dates alone, we decided it was much more entertaining to do a double blind date so at least we could get drunk together if our dates were awful.

So one night, we arrange two POF dates to meet us at this dive karaoke bar downtown in Calgary. Aynsley’s date shows up first. It is obvious he is disappointed that Aynsley is not a man. He doesn’t order a drink and proceeds to tell us how he is very health conscious so he never drinks. Being sober in a shitty karaoke bar does not sit well with me. We order beers  while he tells us about his major in Music and how he loves coming to karaoke to sing. I am kicking Ayns under the table trying no to laugh at her. So I text my date who is supposed to arrive soon and tell him there maaaaay be a change of plans tonight. Then I slam back my beer and tell Ayns that my..er… brother is outside and needs to see me right away (because THAT makes sense) and I grab my purse.. and jacket… and leave knowing that she is going to kill me 🙂

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Outside, I immediately run into my date. I know it’s him because he is bigger than a fucking house and has a remarkably square head as I recalled from the pictures on his online profile. I grab him and pull him behind a truck and ask him to wait for a second. He is really confused and also incredibly nervous and awkward but I ignore it and watch the front door of the bar. Sure enough, Ayns come bolting out of the doors and sees us crouching behind a truck and starts running towards the corner of the building. We follow and are immediately laughing about her date in front of my bewildered date. *MEANGIRLS*. We decide to walk down the street to another bar and continue our weird threesome date. When we get inside, suddenly Sid (his name was Sid) remembers that he “left his jeep running in the parking lot of the karaoke bar”. Translation: you bitches are crazy and I want nothing to do with you. We laugh and say YA OK and he leaves. We are pretty much dying and order drinks and decide to have a good night just the two of us. No.. he was serious. He comes back and explains that he was so nervous he just got out of his jeep and left it running and actually had to walk back and drive it to our new bar. Ayns then decides to call this guy from Cal Tire that she met earlier that day while getting her car serviced… because he managed to pick her up with a line about her braces and how he has a gap in his teeth too.. So this is hilarious and he arrives and is like 40 years old. Night goes on and was surprisingly fun once Sid loosened up and Aynsley’s date remembered how to hang out with 20 somethings.

STRATHHHMORRRREEEE

Flash forward to the next weekend. A few of my friends and their boyfriends decide to go to this Halloween Haunted House event that’s put on every year. I do not have a date, as per usual, so I invite Sid because why the hell not. He is a massive human. I will make him go into the houses first, right? Done.

Sid shows up and it’s clear he has a cold. He is also a driller and his job is blah blah something about drill mud so he is constantly congested, according to him. I’m like EW. Thanks for sharing. So off we go and he is popping fisherman’s friends. After I notice him popping another few I start to take a mental note of this guys addiction to these gross licorice tasting throat cough drops. It’s like clockwork. Eats one, pops another, eats one, pops another.

thNow I knew that he was a really shy guy and we are now with all my friends so he is rather nervous once again. My friends are all trying to talk to him and ask him questions and he is just stone faced and fidgeting and not saying much. It’s super awkward. I try to ignore it because I feel bad for him because I know what it’s like to be shy and we are also in huge line-ups to get into the haunted houses, so who knows? Maybe he doesn’t like crowds and we have something in common?

So we finish going through all the houses and he is sort of laughing but still looks uncomfortable. We call it a night and get in the jeep to drive home. As we are driving (and note that we are on the absolute opposite side of the city from where I live and we have to go into the downtown core to drop Aynsley off at home), he leans over and whispers “I don’t feel very good”. I swear in my head the first thing I thought was “You mean like you’re going to shit yourself?” but instead I showed concern and was like Oh no! What’s wrong? And he keeps saying “How far away is your house? Are we close? I REALLY don’t feel good”.

This is foreshadowing as to how my night is going to end. I can take a hint. I have pulled the “I don’t feel good, I think I am just going to head home” card before. So I sort of just stop listening to him. He continues to lean over and whisper how awful he feels and I start to feel bad because now that I am watching him, he really is squirming and looks like absolute hell and I start to wonder if he is going to throw up on me. I briefly reminisce about other POF dates and conclude that even if he threw up on me, it still wouldn’t be the WORST online date I’ve been on.

So we get dropped off at my place and he looks temporarily relieved (that he didn’t puke on me perhaps) and I stand awkwardly in my condo parking lot waiting for him to drop the “I’m just going to leave” card. Instead, he is like “Can I come in?”. And I’m like “Um.. ya.. I guess so?” even though by this point I have made up my mind that he is totally weird and socially retarded.

I walk towards the elevator in the lobby and he looks at me and says “How many floors up are you?”. I think it was THAT MOMENT that I realized what was about to happen. We get up to my floor and it was quite a walk from the elevator down the hall. He is pale and sweaty. I open the door to my beautifully decorated and lavishly furnished condo and before I even turn on my hallway light he says “CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM?”

I saw Aynsley’s face flash through my mind. She was laughing and pointing at me.

I said “Uh yea it’s in here” and went over to my bedroom. At the time, I was living with my buddy Mitch. It was a 2 bedroom condo with a main bathroom (that was declared Mitch’s bathroom) and then another en suite bathroom off of my bedroom (which was obviously my bathroom). So it was just sort of an unwritten rule that we use our own bathrooms because lets face it, boys and girls have different ideas of cleanliness when it comes to bathrooms.

Sid sees that I am leading him towards the en suite in my bedroom and says these words:

UH DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM THAT’S NOT

ATTACHED TO YOUR BEDROOM?

I am basically like “WELP, there goes my normal evening!”

So I sort of laugh and am like “Ya sure! You can use Mitch’s bathroom!” His face goes an even more translucent shade of white as he inquires who Mitch is, because at this point, that’s all he needs is to come home to my place and find out I live with my husband and 9 kids. So I assure him Mitch is just my roommate and he enters his bathroom.

PHASE 1: THE MAIN EVENT

Do you ever have leftover chili and need to throw it out, but you can’t pour it down the drain and it’s too messy to pour into the garbage, so you take the pot and pour it into the toilet and flush it down? Can you remember what that sounds like? Now take that and multiply it by 10000 and play it on a loop for an hour. This is what I heard for the next horrifying hour of my life. Horrified doesn’t even come close to my reaction. It was like the first time I saw 2 girls and 1 cup (Mom, please don’t Google that). I had no idea what to do with myself as the condo was not very big and I couldn’t exactly leave the room so I went into my bedroom, shut the door, turned on my TV and blasted anything that was on, AND took out my laptop and put iTunes on. And then I just sat like that waiting for the inevitable moment when he would be finished his ungodly act and knock on my door and try to say something that would reverse all of what he just did. In retrospect, and trust me I have replayed this night in my head and to others man times, I always wondered why he didn’t just save himself the pain and humility and say goodnight and then get in his truck and rush to the nearest gas station to shit. Like if I had to have an awful dump and I was on a date, I would be out of there so soon. I don’t care if it was Brad Pitt or RyGos. I would exit as soon as humanly possible. Why didn’t he just leave? Did he think I was actually still going to be interested in him after that?

PHASE 2: HE FINISHES

I hear the toilet flush and put my phone away because I have been texting Mitch telling him that a random hero has been defecating in his bathroom for an hour and he should NOT bring any girls home tonight. I hear a little sound that is as light as a frozen pea falling off the counter and hitting the ground. It’s Sid knocking on my door. I tell him to come in and am sort of entertained at this point. He barely looks bothered by the situation and flops down casually on the bed beside me, as if we have been dating for years, and says “I feel WAY better now!”. I’m like “Oh ya? I bet…”

Then he nonchalantly is just like “Alright, well I’m going to go to sleep because I work tomorrow morning”. Then he falls asleep..and I am still in shock and awe and staring at this beast in my bed. But it gets better..

He starts to snore. No.. he starts air horning. It was so loud and sounded like he was snorting a gallon of snot every inhale. I honestly didn’t know what to do. At about 2:30 am I hear the front door open and Mitch comes in with some girls (atta boy). It was like my saving grace. I jumped out of bed and opened the door and shared my night with him and these girls. We were all dying, and the whole time all you can hear is this guy snoring. After a few drinks with Mitch and his guests, I decide I HAVE to go back in and deal with this bear.

PHASE 3: IT HAPPENED IN BED

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I climb back into bed being as loud as I can, hoping that I will wake him up and disturb his snoring. No dice. I lied there for another two hours. WIDE AWAKE. Suddenly, I hear this large rumble, followed by this thick wet fart. My eye went wide and the sound of his own fart must have woken him up because he abruptly rolls over, which in turn, pulls the covers up and over my head and release the dutch oven right in my face. To say it smelled like a rotting racoon carcass would be insulting to racoon carcasses. I hear him sniff in the dark and then the room is silent. In his head, he now thinks that I have just let go this barbaric fart and HE is grossed out by ME. I lie there frozen for another 10 minutes and then he gets out of bed and grabs his wallet and keys and LEAVES. HE LEAVES! At 4 AM HE LEAVES MY PLACE!! He apparently had to work early that day and I couldn’t have been happier.

I roll over in disbelief and started laughing and fell asleep finally after a very long and fucking weird night. I wake up to this text:

“Sorry about last night, I was feeling really shitty..”

You couldn’t have said it better, brotha. Maybe lay off the 5 packs of fisherman’s friend. Just a thought..

Why I had even allowed him in my condo is still a mystery to me. I think I felt bad for him and was sort of shocked by the awkwardness and inappropriateness of the entire night.

For Christmas that year, Ayns bought me this gem to hang in my bedroom and to always remind me how lucky I am to have found Karlin, and how he released me from the horrors of online dating!

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