Charlie, Charlie, wtf

What is going on? All the sudden I am seeing these Vine videos of kids playing this stupid game where you put two pencils in a cross and ask some ghost name Charlie to play and the pencils move. Is this essentially like the Candyman game? Because this shit looks ridiculous.. and I am scared to try it. So last night, Karlin is working night shift and his friend invites me over for happy hour. I leave the house, don’t lock the doors because it’s like daylight, then come home around 10 to a completely blacked out property. No outdoor lights. No light on inside. And I’m like great. Good job, Crawl. Have fun checking every room for murderers before bed. So I stumble inside and turn on every light and suddenly think about this Charlie game. I totally spooked myself. I’m getting ready for bed and washing my face and I suddenly panic because I’m like mid splashing my face with water and this fucking voice in my head is like snickering saying “imagine if you open your eyes right now and look in the mirror and something is standing behind you”. Like wtf. I can’t even. So I get in bed and text Karlin and he doesn’t reply so I go to tell Jen about my fears then stop myself. I knew better. Her reply would have been something along the lines of this..             

And I would have deserved all of these responses last night because one time I made her sleep in the guest house after watching Evil Dead and it was out in the woods alone and I started sending her pics like these.

So I decided to watch a documentary on 18 yr old porn stars to take my mind off of all the scary things I was obsessing over. Worked like a dream. Although I did have some questionable dreams about .. well nevermind about those.

Back to this Charlie game. Today it is pissing rain and thunderstorming. Pretty sure my power is about to be cut off. Guess what’s on tap when Karlin wakes up…..OHHH CHARRRRLIEEEEEE.

I will update you on the nothingness that likely happens. If I don’t, you will know I am dead.

Maximum Death Workouts

I know that a few months ago I talked about some of the workout programs I was involved with and mentioned that MaxWorkouts in particular was very challenging and cruel to all humans. I think I need to revisit that topic. I made it about 4 or 5 weeks into the 12 week program before life got in the way and travelling and, let’s be fucking real, nice weather began to emerge. I was feeling great and lost 15 pounds which was a lot considering I’m not an obese person to begin with. But as soon as the sun peeked out from behind the mountains it became easy to put off the workouts and go do something outside. Like drink beer and shoot guns and build stuff. What would you rather do? Go down to your dungeon home gym and do a gruelling workout that leaves your breathless and weeping? Or go water your adorable garden and talk to your broccoli in the gorgeous mountain morning air? DERRRRR NO BRAINER.

So I know this is just an excuse but I own it and it’s all mine and you can’t have it. Everyone has an excuse. But you can choose to own up to your excuses and get back to work as I declared yesterday! And back to work I fucking did. 

Starting back at Week 1 of MaxWorkouts, I was hesitant to do the workout because I remembered the tears and whining that came from my body after. However, I woke up this morning from the most bizarre fucking dream ever. I was a bridesmaid in Kim Kardashians wedding. I was wearing this skin tight white slinky dress standing beside the other midget Kardashians and felt like a fucking tall cup of whale. And not because I was fat, but because they were so petite… Like my bridesmaids.. Fuck. So if I’m going to be standing beside my own beautiful Kardashians bridesmaids during my wedding, I at least need to look ripped AF. 

So Week 1, Day 1. Again.

10 squats, 10 push-ups, 10 lunge and twists, 10 bar pull-ups, 10 lateral lunges each side. Two times.

That alone got me breathing hard. But that’s just the warm up and you’re supposed to do it 3 times but I’m a pussy.

Then 10 back squats (I put 15 pounds on each side), 10 dumbbell push press (I started with 10 then felt like a major puss and tried 15.. Then went back to 10 lol), then 12 barbell chin pull-ups using 10s. Do this 5 -6 times.

I did 5 and was gasping and sore and angry. Quite angry actually. 3 months ago I would have breezed through that shit. It just goes to show that you need to keep your fitness game going strong because you can lose it so quickly. Thankfully I kept 13 of the 15 pounds off during my last 1-2 months of half ass workouts and flexible dieting. But I definitely lost my Heman strength. 

So I’m back at it, and it sucks. And I deserve it. And wahhhhhhh wahhhh wahhhhh. Back to logging my meals in My Fitness Pal, eating celery and enjoying rice like its more fulfilling than a cheeseburger.

  

Back to Work

 No I didn’t get a job. DON’T BE RIDICULOUS.

I mean back to eating kale and dust and moving a lot. TWO months until my wedding. Let’s do this. I think I fully managed to turn myself off from the booze over the last two weekends. 

So here’s what’s on the menu for the week.

Yesterday was oats, a 6 inch boring ass subway sub, and chicken stir fry.

Today is oats, leftover stir fry, and a shawarma salad 

Tomorrow is oats, Turkey lettuce wraps and chicken mint viet wraps

Thursday is oats, leftover viet wraps and roasted pork tenderloin with rice and a salad

Friday is oats, leftover tenderloin, and skinny chicken thigh Parmesan with quinoa salad.

Deal with it, ass. No wine. No burgers. No pizza. Get over it. 

It’s not that I gained a whole bunch of weight back. I gained 2 pounds. I just have zero energy to work out and if I don’t work out I’ll be a puffy functioning alcoholic. 

  
YA WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU. 

Oh so here’s some updates. That Instantly Ageless shit you’ve been seen all over the Internet does not work. Well it does, but if you move your face it turns into a white powder. So don’t waste your money. 

Click here if you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s basically like putting white glue on your face. Just don’t do it.

I’m going to be careful getting back into my workouts because I threw my back out 2 weeks ago and am still feeling sore. My chiropractor told me that I’m TOO flexible from years of yoga and my muscles aren’t supporting my weight lifting so it actually popped my hip out. So I’m going to do my same lifting routine but with way lighter weights. I think I was lifting 75 lbs for my deadlifts before it gave out. So fuck that. Back to baby weights. I will post pics of me dying tomorrow! Today was cardio and I did 20 min of intervals and swear I could smell booze.  Must. Stop. Being. A hillbilly. 

  
This is my white trash outdoor living room where we sit and shoot at shit down the hill. Don’t you wish you were our neighbours ? 
K GET TO WORK. GO MOVE AND BE HEALTHY AND STOP EATING GARBAGE. 

$2.99?? PIG FO ALL

So our local grocer put all this pig on sale for $2.99 and I went fucking pig crazy. $2.99 for an entire picnic ham? Kidding me right? 

So I prepared a delicious pig pot. 

  
Fill bottom of your crock with brown sugar and decorative mustard.

  
Cut your fatty pig side up like she snitched and stuff a few cloves inside the cuts.

  
Give her another pat with brown sugar.

  
Decorate with more mustard. I even used fancy mustard because I’m posh AF.

And voila!  8 hours later you’ve got fall off the bone ham. I had men working on the house so I made them all little piggy sandwiches and they were impressed with my skills. 

  
Cut off all the fat. It’s gross. Jen, stop staring at that bone. 
ZE END