My Pretties

I was a bit hesitant, but my love for all things gaga grew yesterday when I went for these fancy little talons. 

Jen loves them so much. She wants a pair of her own.





My hand looks arthritic but I needed to showcase the pointies.

They make me want to tap everything I can touch. I feel like a little creepo and fucking love it. Here are my stiletto nails pros and cons:

Pros: 

1) tappy tap tap on every hard surface because you like appearing as an impatient bitch

2) excellent butt scratcher

3) scares your boyfriend

4) makes playing piano that more amazing

5) I picked a hard spot of food off the counter that’s been stuck on for days. Win

Cons:

1) it is hard to get cards out of your wallet

2) it is embarrassing when you can’t get your card out of your wallet and the cashier is staring at your weird pointy creepo nails thinking about why the fuck you wanted such pointy nails

3) it scares your boyfriend

4) it took a solid 3 minutes to pick up 5 bobby pins that fell on the floor

5) Jen’s jealousy towards said nails is super strong and may affect our friendship the longer she goes without them.

I would highly reccomend filing your nails into little points. Hours. No weeks of fabulousness.

I feel like I just got home from Calgary and I’m already packing again. Off to Spokane tonight and Phoenix in the morning. #lifeishard

Last night we had a photo shoot in our kitchen for our banks annual marketing shit. It just made me realize how much I hate having my photo taken. 2 hours later, Karlins neck was stiff and my back hurt from contorting ourself into “natural” poses. The photographer also told me several times to swing my ass out of the picture because it was taking up the frame. I CANT HELP MY ASS SIZE. Anyways, can’t wait for wedding day photography torture now. I’m going to have a permanent bitch face after from being forced to smile for 4 hours. 



100000 selfies, here I come.

Stay tuned for fun in Phoenix and my attempt to not get fat on holidays! 

Use ‘said’ and ‘wrote’, the editor highlighted

This came at the right time! I get annoyed by this saidism all the time and noticed it today when I was reading this terrible short story!!

Sentence first

Fiction writers are rightly advised to use said in dialogue and avoid redundancies or conspicuous synonyms: ‘You must,’ he insisted. ‘The hell I will!’ she shouted loudly. This sort of thing is likely to annoy readers and distract them from the story. It’s one of Elmore Leonard’s 10 rules of writing:

Never use a verb other than “said” to carry dialogue. The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But “said” is far less intrusive than “grumbled”, “gasped”, “cautioned”, “lied”. I once noticed Mary McCarthy ending a line of dialogue with “she asseverated” and had to stop reading and go to the dictionary.

Yet writers continue to riddle their stories with showy or gratuitous synonyms. It can give the impression that they’re trying too hard to enliven their text, without knowing the right and wrong ways to translate their passion for…

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Busy beeeee

Holy. I’ve finally found my way out of a black hole. Temporarily.. Here’s what I’ve been up to in a really short story.

So Damien showed up on my doorstep last Wednesday. We decided to play adventure land and found a weird Russian cemetery island.. So bizarre.

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Then we went on a sculpture walk downtown Castlegar.

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Then we had lunch at the local stripper bar. No pics. Derrr.

Then we went to the top of the Bombi and took some cool pics of Castlegar. Note: panoramic views are hilarious when you move around.

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Then we came home and picked up Karlin and drove to the Rock Cut up the mountain in Rossland. Drinks may have been consumed.

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On the way home Dam insisted we stop at the local pub, even though I insisted it was a disgusting hole. After 4 drinks, he finally agreed.

The next day we went to Nelson and checked out my favorite Middle Eastern hole and had shawarma bowls.

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Unbelievable. So much tzaziki and hummus goodness. There was a feminist protest going on with these crazy chicks dressed as bears that were vandalizing shit screaming Shut down Canada. Fucking hippie losers. I love Nelson, but it’s full of fucking crazy people. So we headed to the beach and went under the bridge.

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Then we came home and Damien and I watched movies and made fun of our friends. Steph and Jen arrived around 11 and it was a love fest. Barnes sent a Christmas present along with them and it summed up my life.

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Also, did anyone see that news clip of the deal eating an octopus? Because it’s fucking baller. I DON’T.. FUCK WITH… Youuuuu

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So the next morning we woke up and had breakies then headed out to the Pendelreille (I have no fucking idea how to spell that) and took the old rape whistle out. So much fun. Of course you can’t go skeet shooting and drink beers without looking like a total fucking babe.

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We found a lovely little spot and brought the skeet thrower. #budlightlife

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After that, things escalated very quickly and we set a brush fire back at home because we weren’t quite being redneck as fuck.

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There was a lot of wall twerking going on and then a discussion about why girls wear leggings non stop was brought up. So my future husband and his buddy decided to put on my leggings. And they fucking liked it.

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The next day, we decided it would be a good idea to go curling. And it was.

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We had a pizza party after (I brought healthy chili and didn’t even eat pizza. Ya. I fucking rock). Then we got silly and had some couch cuddles and stayed up late watching scary movies.

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Yesterday all those fuckers finally left. Just kidding I love them all dearly and I’d love if they stayed forever. However, my liver might disagree.

So here’s some good news: I stuck to my workout schedule every day they were here, I avoided most shitty food and we cooked turkey burgers on Saturday night. My wine consumption was through the God damn roof because we buy 1.5 L bottles and don’t fuck around. But at the end of all the chaos, I didn’t gain a single pound so I must have been doing something right! GO TEAM.

Next week I’m off to Pheonix so I need to start cutting right fucking now. Nothing but salads and chicken baby. Actually, beads gave me a vegan cookbook for Christmas and I was looking through some of the recipes and they look unfuckingreal so I might dabble into it.

Also, I’m going on a trip tomorrow to a secret location that I cannot disclose right now in case somebody is reading this. But I will be away for the next 5 days, come home, have a photoshoot with this bank that wants to take pics of our kitchen, then I leave for Pheonix for 10 days. So depending on my down time, this may be another trip to a black hole. If so, see you on the other side when I have a tan!

Vietnamese Salad, Chicken Buttholes, and Peruvian Beef Fry

My week in food has been pretty amazing considering I’ve managed to stick to my diet.
I created a Vietnamese rice bowl after getting the hankering for viet wraps. I basically cooked some ground chicken with garlic, fish oil, brown sugar and soya sauce and laid it on top of vermicelli noodles, cabbage, carrots, cucumbers, peanuts and hoisin sauce. Karlin and I didn’t talk for about 6 minutes straight because we inhaled our salads. I was a bit butt sore because the vermicelli noodles are pretty horrible for you, but I got over it quickly..

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Please note my faker chop sticks. For those of us who want to look cool while we eat for about 1 minute, then decide fuck it and go back to the kitchen and grab forks. I’d rather go to the dentist than torture my mouth and hands by delicately trying to grab slippery noodles with two stupid sticks. A for effort. B for butthole. Speaking of butthole..

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I felt like Ted Bundy photographing this poor delicious spread eagle bird… Then eating it.. K that was a gross Ted Bundy reference. I’ll stop. Anyways, we bought a few of these chickens for like $5 each which is a steal! I used one of Jamie Oliver’s recipes because he is so lazy and easy to follow. The man doesn’t even make you peel your garlic. I love it. Stab a lemon a few times and toss Er into the bird. Jam some uncomfortable Rosemary and bay leaves inside and voila!

The other nights dinner took the cake. I’ve been super fucking angry and hormonal and ragey this week and wanted red meat and anything else I could fit into my mouth (within my calorie range obv). I also drank a lot because it seems to counter attack my rage. To illustrate how I felt and looked all week:

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So I set out to make fries and beef. I ended up making quite amazing baked fries by slicing a potatoe into little frenchies and baking them drizzled in s&p and garlic powder.

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I found a recipes for Peruvian beef stir fry and improvised some of it. I cut the sirloin steak into slices and seasoned with s&p and cumin. Browned these bits up in a frying pan and added peppers, onions, garlic and tomatoe wedges. After a few minutes I added Apple cider vinegar and soya sauce. It was frigging incredible. Served on top of fries. Gargle.

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So it was a pretty delicious week in food! Thank god because if I was dieting, working out like a mule, PMSing AND eating boring shit food, I’d kill a bitch.

On another note, we booked our honeymoon ❤ Karlin was getting discouraged about the cost of Paris and suggested we go to New York instead.. New York… This was my face..

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So I did what I always do when I don’t get my way.

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Few wine and beer and rums later… We booked our honeymoon to PARISSSSSSS! Another runaway victory in Crawly Land. Shit. Karlins going to read this and totally be onto me now. BUT ITS PARIS. He will thank me when we are sitting along the river bank drinking gorgeous wine and eating baguettes and cheese. Je aime la ville des lumières!

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Barf-o-rama

People. We need to start stressing the importance of reviewing TERRIBLE recipes as well. The ones we make and are like “ew wtf did I just make”. The recipes that call for mustard when it’s clear that mustard should never be involved in said recipe.

Skinny Cheeseburger Casserole. Sounds intriguing doesn’t it? Imagine a recipe that boasts something as delicious as a cheeseburger with macaroni?? And it’s healthy?!?

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False fucking advertising. I’d rather sew my head to the carpet than touch another spoonful of this dirty diaper disaster. While I was making it I thought I’d make it healthier and mix ground turkey with the lean ground beef. The turkey looked like it was humping the beef. It made me think of Jen and Brett. Not of them humping, but because they make their groceries hump.

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Anyways, the mustard and the tomatoes were just not necessary. Karlin seemed to be fine with it but made a delicate suggestion that next time I only half cook the macaroni. The squishy macaroni was his only problem.. Not the fact that it tasted like that sour taste you get in your mouth before you’re about to vomit.

So take it from me. If it looks too good to be true, don’t put it in your mouth. EVEN IF IT’S COVERED IN DELICIOUS MELTED CHEESE.

Being a Hero is Easy

Being a role model is way harder. I have decided that dogs and children are way easier to impress. I spent my weekend dealing with family drama regarding the wedding invite list. For anyone out there deciding if eloping is the better option, here’s a hot tip: IT IS. I wish I had done that instead. Now that I have so much money put down for deposits, this is no longer an option for me so I must suck it up and carry on with this dooms day.

I’ve been searching for advice online how to cope with wedding planning stress and the best advice I’ve found is that at the end of the day, all that matters is that I marry my bestfriend and love of my life. All the rest is bullshit. Corsages? Fucking ugly and I hate them. So nobody gets one. Sorry moms and grandmas. NAMW. $200+ for each bridesmaid bouquet? Suck it. You can carry broccoli bunches wrapped in ribbon. Don’t like who you’re sitting by? Screw you all no seating plan. Your dad doesn’t want to come due to deep seeded 25 year old drama that has nothing to do with you? I’ll take pics and send them your way. Oh you’re sad I invited some of your friends and not you even though we haven’t spoken in 3 years? I’ll take a shot for you, homebrew.

Some other good advice from my dad: “Just do what I do. Pretend you’re a pyramid made out of titanium so anything that comes your way just hits you and falls to the floor”.

Touché pops, touché.

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Hey beads.. See what I did there..

On the plus side, I ordered 400 ft of adorable glass globe lights so my wedding can look like every other wedding on Pinterest. SUCCESS.

I’m also attempting to grow all of the flowers needed for my wedding. This should be hilarious. I promise to update with pics.

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We spent the weekend working on the guest suite and I’m extremely excited about it because I have been given full decorating reign. Picking a paint colour is a lot harder than expected. But that’s still a ways away. This week I’m tackling the taping and mudding. I’ve watched about 3 YouTube videos on how to do it and consider myself fully trained and prepared now. Oh baby. This is going to be good. Also, thoughts on wallpaper? I found some bomb ass stuff on Amazon that I really like. Just for one wall…

FUCKING LOOK AT IT JEN

I’m also going to make some curtains because I adopted some heavy mint green upholstery fabric and its taunting me from the office. Every time I walk by I see a corner of it under the couch because that’s where I jammed it. It’s like COME PLAY WITH ME..

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So to cheer ourselves up we spent some time with Karlins nieces because they act like they have just taken large hits from the bong.
After building a nest for Madi, she decided we needed to build another one right beside it because this one was for the friendly snakes. The friendly snakes that made honey. Green honey… Oh BUT WE HAVE TO SHOW THEM HOW TO MAKE THE HONEY.

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I was like “where does mommy hide her drugs?” If you ever want a good laugh, ask a three year old to describe an episode of Bubble Guppies. You are bound to receive a response similar to someone who has taken a lot of acid.
The next night we were invited to go bowling in the basement of the Fruitvale Hall. How could I even resist seeing this gem.
At first it was like meh. Alright.

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Then we requested the lady who was running the busy place to turn on the cool lights. Boom. Magic town.

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We also discovered that Madi is related to Beyoncé and runs the world.

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So things got weird this weekend in summary.

It was really nice I didn’t have to cook on Saturday! Karlins sister made these ridiculously delicious Vietnamese wraps with vermicelli noodles, salmon, cucumbers, peppers, peanuts and more. Of course I didn’t eat the salmon because that’s disgusting dude. Madi and I got special chicken made just for us. Because we are children. I should have taken a pic but didn’t want to be weird. I will recreate this week perhaps because they were delicious!

I’m going to go make some chili and drill some more screws into the drywall so I can begin my masterpiece.