Wedding Crafts for Crazy People

I have been crafting up a storm making this backdrop for my wedding ceremony. It’s taking forever and I’m starting to forget what shape a heart is. You know when you read a word over and over and it starts to not even look like a word? That’s what’s happening to me after cutting one trillion paper hearts and sewing them together. I have about 10 more strands to go. 

  

Don’t attempt this unless you like blisters on your fingers and have way too much time on your hands. 

Oh and for everyone dying to know how my eyebrow growing is coming along.. I’ll be damned.. Castor oil DOES work!! I don’t look like Vanilla Ice anymore!
  

For my next trick, I will attempt to create centre pieces out of recycled garbage! Keep it classy kids 😉 

Oh and some wedding pics from the weekend, before Rocky Balboa made an appearance!

   
  

     

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Wedding Rituals I Find Silly

I am learning so much about weddings lately and a lot of it I find so strange. This past weekend my future mother-in-law hosted a beautiful bridal shower for me at a bed and breakfast winery. She and my sister-in-law probably spent 100 hours preparing 1 million appies and decorating the place. There were even hand painted wine glasses as take aways. Such a massive get together for what.. Because I’m getting married. I find it strange that people go to such great lengths to celebrate something that isn’t really an accomplishment. Congrats on finding a human you want to hang with forever. Umm it was pretty easy. I didn’t really have to try that hard.. I just met him and we mutually agreed we were the coolest and then phantom glued our hands and hearts together. It wasn’t like I found the cure to foot fungus and hemmorhoids. I just fell in love with someone. This simple act now deems me eligible for presents and more attention than any normal person would want. 

I walked into the bed and breakfast and wished I had an invisible cloak so that it wasn’t so “OMG SHE’S HERE” *insert trumpets sounding* Thank god Jen was with me so at least it was like “OMG SHE’S HERE AND WHO IS THAT?” 

Then there was the present opening. First of all I was wearing a possibly inappropriate low cut dress and my tits were hanging out. So imagine bending over in front of 100 eyes (with grannies) watching me grab gifts.. That I don’t need… Or deserve for any reason. It was hella awkward. I might understand this shower ritual if I didn’t already have a full house equipped with everything I need. But having somewhat strangers try to decorate a house they’ve never been to is quite funny. I now have enough napkins to host all of Alberta over for dinner and wine glasses for each person. 

Anyways, I’m not trying to sound ungrateful at all because I thought it was really sweet that everyone went to so much trouble for me. I just don’t understand why some traditions stick, even when they don’t make sense in our modern society. Where couples often live together before marriage and have everything they need. Maybe it’s secretly for the parents in sort of a “thank god my spawn found someone to create spawn with”. Who knows. All I know is that I am discovering more crazy wedding things that are “tradition” that I am throwing right out the door. The whole “groom takes garter off of brides thigh with teeth in front of all the wedding guests” tradition is awful. Pretty sure nobody wants to see that. Also pretty sure my thighs will be a sweat lodge and Karlin would emerge looking like a wet seal.

  
Or when I was purchasing flowers, another massive expense for someone who doesn’t even really care for flowers, I was getting all worked up over all the people at the wedding that were entitled to corsages and boutonnières. All the grandmothers and mothers and groomsmen and grandfathers, etc.Guess what I think are ugly? Corsages and boutonnières. Guess who is getting one? NOBODY. If this is “my big day” then I’ll do what I want. No shoving cake in eachothers faces. No bouquet toss. Let’s all just dress up and eat good food and drink good wine. We don’t need to pour sand together and light ceremonial candles. We can do what normal people do when they want to celebrate. Take shots. 

Rant over. Back to the bed and breakfast. The woman who decorated this place was a god. She up cycled so many old pieces and incorporated lace and corrugated metal in so many beautiful spots I was truly inspirered.

   
  
This hanging old door with lace and pearls. Loved. This sliding barn door made from old pallets. Adored. 

   

 

This bathroom killed me. Claw foot tub with old windows covered in lace and hanging lights. Le sigh! 

   

 

The corrugated metal with lace on top tickled me. Every room was so precious. 

   

  

  

  

  

 

And chandeliers were everywhere. Like every corner. My heaven.

   

  

  

  

 

Please note we spent a lot of time getting ready to hang in this classy establishment…

   

 

And then got absolutely Opposite Day non classy drunk after and ended up at some of the less finer drinking holes in Trail.

   

  

  

  

  

  

 

What a greasy night that turned into. Can’t wait to do it again in the big city! 

Welp back to my million wedding crafts. But first, birthday cake.

Happy birthday Karlin my love! 

 

Who needs an excuse to buy Brie?

They were selling little pucks of Brie for dirt cheap at the grocery store so technically I HAD to buy one. Not that I needed an excuse. It’s Brie. Brie is a cheese. Cheese is a necessity in life. 

I baked some chicken breasts in half a cup of beer with some oregano and salt and pepper. For the last 5 minutes, I drizzled this expensive balsamic oil my dad brought me back from Italy on the chicken breasts. Then I sliced the Brie on top and let it melt into Brie jizz heaven. Topped with fresh strawberries and this was born..

  

The best part about this was that it was fat free and only 120 calories!* 

I am contemplating what gem I should make for dinner tonight. I have some lobster tails in the freezer but I’m pretty sure I don’t know how to cook lobster tails and would just end up disappointing myself. I might just take a stroll through the grocery store and see what meats jump at me! Or perhaps it’s a good pancakes for dinner day. Mmmm

*pffft more like 1,200 calories

Hair hair

I’d like to apologize for my absence as I’ve been working. And when you read and write for a living, you don’t feel like reading and writing for fun. 

I’ve also been growing hair. I saw this silly thing on Pinterest that claimed you could regrow eyebrows using coconut oil and castor oil. 

I’m going to give it three weeks before posting the results but here is what my naked little eyebrows look like today.

  

Sad little bare naked bums.

Then I decided to be more fabulous and go blonde. Great success! 

  

I wouldn’t say blondes have more fun, but it sure looks perdy in the sun! I’ve also been taking biotin to grow my hair long for the wedding. So far my nails just grow like weeds. 

I am one pound away from being my “wedding weight”. I was looking back at all my posts complaining about food and working out and I can honestly say it has not been a fun journey. Every day I fight myself to work out. Even today, I’m lying in bed in my workout gear procrastinating because it’s leg day. And I just don’t wanna. Excersice hasn’t become “fun” for me at all during this process, even though fitness enthusiasts say you will learn to love your work out routine. Instead, I’ve just learned to feel guilty when I don’t work out. So the desire to not feel guilty trumps my desire to not work out every day. I guess that’s a success. I’ve changed my routine now that I’m not in such a hurry to lose weight. I’m doing more cardio days than weight lifting days, and I’ve stopped the MaxWorkouts because honestly, they are fucking killer. They make me want to vomit they are so hard. That was great to lose the weight but now I’m like chill brotha. You got this. 

I also feel like when it rains I do not want to move. Rain=Netflix. But I have work to do today unfortunately so I really should get my ass in the gym.