2016: I survived with minor bruises

What a fucking year. I am lucky to say that I survived because so many people did not. We lost a lot of animal friends, people friends, and a lot of family this year. There were hundred of meltdowns. Tons of disappointments. Many moments of sheer “FUCK YOU WORLD”.

Why are some years so full of shit and burden and death? I will tell you why. You may not want to hear this though because when I am drowning in self pity I don’t want to hear this. But here it comes:

Everything happens for a reason, man.

 That’s it. Plain and simple. If you are looking around at other people’s lives on facebook and Instagram wondering why you aren’t married, having kids, looking fresh to death, eating kale and selling FitTea, here is the simple explanation: It’s just not your time. It is not in your cards. Let me give you a prime example:

My mom is trying to make the move west to live in the same town as me. She put her house up for sale with the most incompetent realtor on the planet. As a result, she had shitty people coming to see her house who lead her to believe she had sold her place, but it never happened. She was devastated. All she wanted was to move this year. So she got another realtor. Yes her house sat on the market all summer with no activity, but it was for the best because her new realtor has found some pretty promising leads and circumstances have changed. Mom now wants a bigger house than the one she previously had her eye on in my town. So if her place had sold with the shitty realtor, yes she would be here by now, but would still be faced with selling a home she didn’t want to be in. So in my eyes, it was just about timing. She wasn’t meant to sell the house until just the right time. She was also meant to stay in her house because her mother died this year and until that happened, I don’t truly think she was ready to leave.

It’s all about timing. Everyone is freaking saying how this was the worst year but I am choosing to go the higher road. I am choosing to believe that these life lessons, although seemingly harsh, were meant to make us stronger. More capable of taking control of our lives and figuring out what is important. Now I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart not on my sleeve but literally on the end of my nose. Everyone can see my emotions. So in the moment of something shitty happening, yes I lose my fucking cool. But always make sure you sit back, maybe a few days later, and reflect upon what happened. Try to figure out why this happened and what you can learn from it. Your attitude can literally change your environment.

Try and treat people you meet with love and dignity. Try not to be judgmental because you never know their story. If you have a rude cashier or server or bus driver, just remember that everyone has shit. MY first instinct is to think :”Wow what a fucking hag”. But perhaps as a New Years resolution, try to change your perspective and send them kind thoughts and energy. Even just smile at them and tell them to have a good day. I could change their whole day.

One of Karlin’s sisters best friends was killed suddenly on her birthday here in town 2 weeks ago and it was such a tragic loss. To say that it was meant to be is extremely hurtful for a grieving family. So what can we try and take away from this? I decided that the only lesson I could learn from this was to live each day like it was your last. Cut out the small shit that you obsess over. Make a list of things that are important to you and really spend some time prioritizing that list. 

Mine would look something like this:

 

  1. Ok the obvious :food, shelter, water, etc.
  2. Family/ Friends
  3. Biggie smalls
  4. My happiness
  5. Kraft dinner/pizza/tacos
  6. My health
  7. Wealth
  8. Nice leggings
  9. Cute nailpolish
  10. Number of likes on Instagram

Ok the end is largely a joke but you get the point. Make sure the top of your list is satisfied before you start to worry about the bottom of the list. Life is just too fucking short. Put your time and energy into doing things that make your heart sing. Yes, you have to work to make money to survive. But try to find happiness in the work you do. If you aren’t happy, do something about it.

We all have the ability to reciprocate and spread love so let’s add that to our list of New Years Resolutions. This world is becoming so fucked up (may I remind you of the 2016 clown invasion? And no I’m not taking about Clinton and Trump). We can heal at least our immediate environment by consciously choosing to be kind rather than right.  

Now, my previous post was about the Wild Rose herbal cleanse so I will follow up with this: I lost 5 pounds, felt really good, but as soon as those 12 days were over it was back to eating whatever I wanted. So zero lessons learned. Mind you it was the holidays so perhaps I will try again.

2016 taught me how to start my own business, build a yoga studio without beheading my husband, raise a beautiful little human (ok dog but he’s more human than anything), and how to be prepared for emergencies. 

So let’s all just take a deep fucking breath… and hold it for 4 more days until it’s 2017! All the best in the New Year kiddies 😘


 

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Maximum Death Workouts

I know that a few months ago I talked about some of the workout programs I was involved with and mentioned that MaxWorkouts in particular was very challenging and cruel to all humans. I think I need to revisit that topic. I made it about 4 or 5 weeks into the 12 week program before life got in the way and travelling and, let’s be fucking real, nice weather began to emerge. I was feeling great and lost 15 pounds which was a lot considering I’m not an obese person to begin with. But as soon as the sun peeked out from behind the mountains it became easy to put off the workouts and go do something outside. Like drink beer and shoot guns and build stuff. What would you rather do? Go down to your dungeon home gym and do a gruelling workout that leaves your breathless and weeping? Or go water your adorable garden and talk to your broccoli in the gorgeous mountain morning air? DERRRRR NO BRAINER.

So I know this is just an excuse but I own it and it’s all mine and you can’t have it. Everyone has an excuse. But you can choose to own up to your excuses and get back to work as I declared yesterday! And back to work I fucking did. 

Starting back at Week 1 of MaxWorkouts, I was hesitant to do the workout because I remembered the tears and whining that came from my body after. However, I woke up this morning from the most bizarre fucking dream ever. I was a bridesmaid in Kim Kardashians wedding. I was wearing this skin tight white slinky dress standing beside the other midget Kardashians and felt like a fucking tall cup of whale. And not because I was fat, but because they were so petite… Like my bridesmaids.. Fuck. So if I’m going to be standing beside my own beautiful Kardashians bridesmaids during my wedding, I at least need to look ripped AF. 

So Week 1, Day 1. Again.

10 squats, 10 push-ups, 10 lunge and twists, 10 bar pull-ups, 10 lateral lunges each side. Two times.

That alone got me breathing hard. But that’s just the warm up and you’re supposed to do it 3 times but I’m a pussy.

Then 10 back squats (I put 15 pounds on each side), 10 dumbbell push press (I started with 10 then felt like a major puss and tried 15.. Then went back to 10 lol), then 12 barbell chin pull-ups using 10s. Do this 5 -6 times.

I did 5 and was gasping and sore and angry. Quite angry actually. 3 months ago I would have breezed through that shit. It just goes to show that you need to keep your fitness game going strong because you can lose it so quickly. Thankfully I kept 13 of the 15 pounds off during my last 1-2 months of half ass workouts and flexible dieting. But I definitely lost my Heman strength. 

So I’m back at it, and it sucks. And I deserve it. And wahhhhhhh wahhhh wahhhhh. Back to logging my meals in My Fitness Pal, eating celery and enjoying rice like its more fulfilling than a cheeseburger.

  

Back to Work

 No I didn’t get a job. DON’T BE RIDICULOUS.

I mean back to eating kale and dust and moving a lot. TWO months until my wedding. Let’s do this. I think I fully managed to turn myself off from the booze over the last two weekends. 

So here’s what’s on the menu for the week.

Yesterday was oats, a 6 inch boring ass subway sub, and chicken stir fry.

Today is oats, leftover stir fry, and a shawarma salad 

Tomorrow is oats, Turkey lettuce wraps and chicken mint viet wraps

Thursday is oats, leftover viet wraps and roasted pork tenderloin with rice and a salad

Friday is oats, leftover tenderloin, and skinny chicken thigh Parmesan with quinoa salad.

Deal with it, ass. No wine. No burgers. No pizza. Get over it. 

It’s not that I gained a whole bunch of weight back. I gained 2 pounds. I just have zero energy to work out and if I don’t work out I’ll be a puffy functioning alcoholic. 

  
YA WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU. 

Oh so here’s some updates. That Instantly Ageless shit you’ve been seen all over the Internet does not work. Well it does, but if you move your face it turns into a white powder. So don’t waste your money. 

Click here if you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s basically like putting white glue on your face. Just don’t do it.

I’m going to be careful getting back into my workouts because I threw my back out 2 weeks ago and am still feeling sore. My chiropractor told me that I’m TOO flexible from years of yoga and my muscles aren’t supporting my weight lifting so it actually popped my hip out. So I’m going to do my same lifting routine but with way lighter weights. I think I was lifting 75 lbs for my deadlifts before it gave out. So fuck that. Back to baby weights. I will post pics of me dying tomorrow! Today was cardio and I did 20 min of intervals and swear I could smell booze.  Must. Stop. Being. A hillbilly. 

  
This is my white trash outdoor living room where we sit and shoot at shit down the hill. Don’t you wish you were our neighbours ? 
K GET TO WORK. GO MOVE AND BE HEALTHY AND STOP EATING GARBAGE. 

Put Some Glitter On It

Day 1 of this stupid MaxWorkout shit Karlin downloaded. This guy who designed the workouts motto is like “Don’t make excuses, make changes”, but it should be “I’m going to make you cry and puke and hurt in weird areas of your body that you never think of like the middle of your left tit and just below your knee caps, slut bitch”.

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You do a bunch of consecutive exercises then have a minute recovery period. This was me in recovery. I should have taken videos so you could hear me whimpering.

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The only thing that kept me going through the workout was the fact that my usual fix for things that don’t look right (putting glitter on it) is not going to work in regards to my back fat. My wedding dress is very.. Er.. low and see through.. and I don’t think Michaels and Walmart combined could provide enough glitter to cover my back lard and deceive my audience.
Hot Tip: Google “glitter back fat images”. Thank you, Internet. You never cease to amaze me.

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I am waiting on this guy from Edmonton to send me his thesis paper to edit. It’s his Masters dissertation in Petroleum Engineering. Can’t wait to read this nail biter. I hope there’s a climax where all of the sudden everything makes sense and I learn something about myself throughout the process of editing it… If not.. I guess I could just add it in for him FOR FREE. Trust me, man. I know how to get people going. If he gets mad I will say “JUST PAYING IT FORWARD” and then end all communication with him. Like any professional proofreader would. OBVI.

Damn it. He just replied. Guess I’m working today.

Also, this came up in my glittery back fat search. You’re welcome.

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