I failed

I failed my challenges. I was so close! But alas, life got in the way. I’m not getting too down on myself though. I’m going to finish the challenges then start a push-up and lunge challenge for December. I also ate like a college kid all weekend and it sucked but it’s hard preparing healthy food for guests every meal! I can’t exactly offer half a cup of rice and 4 oz of plain chicken to my mother lol.

I did go curling yesterday for 2 hours! What a fucking workout! Holy moly! I loved it 🙂 I’m going to play on Glens team when Ali cancels!

Anyways, Grey Cup party shortly at Karlins dads. Wings and dips galore. Might as well enjoy it because tomorrow I’m back to the drawing board!

Also, HI JEN




If I hear another stupid high pitched voice tell me that a dress is perfect I will vomit on them exorcist style. Wedding dress sales people are the worst kind of people ever. The worst is how they pretend to give AF about your wedding and your fiancé and how you met. I found the entire process annoying and I’m glad my mom and Ali were there to make fun of the ugly dresses and annoying sales girls. It was like we slowly crushed the dreams of others.
Random over eager stranger: “DID YOU SAY YES TO THAT DRESS???????!!!!”
Me: “NO.”
Mom: “Ew I can’t stand when people say that..”
Random over eager stranger: “😪”

Luckily though, I bought a dress and never have to deal with that shit again.

So Spokane is lovely. One day I want to go back and shop for regular stuff! We had lunch at this super old and ritzy hotel and felt like rich people. It was fun!


Off to go curling now! Turns out, it’s impossible to work out or be on a diet when mom is in town. Just impossible.

I just. Can’t. Even.

Oh man

I can’t wait to buy chickens. I decided 6 would be good for starters so I need 6 names.

1) Belinda (obvi)
2) Takanashi (ninja chicken)
3) Karlin
4) Tanisha
5) Hightops
6) Jared

Wow. That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Today is a short entry because mother is here and we are drinking wine and planning gardens.

Also, this was my view this morning from a random casino.





Not sure if the mother unit will make it into Trail today! It snowed again like crazy and everywhere is out of power (except us for some reason.. could it be that Karlin works for Fortis and controls power distribution? hmmmm). The snow has stopped but because it’s so warm here, this fog and cloud cover is crazy, hence bringing the ceiling really low and making it terrifying for planes to land in the valley. You’re welcome for those who did not know I am a weather expert AND a pilot. I know a little about a lot.

I wanted to talk about my lifestyle today, because Jen (probably the only person reading this) wrote about hers yesterday. I live in a tiny little village called Fruitvale in the Kootenays in BC. It is a really small village and comes with a lot of really small minded people. But it’s not all that bad. I grew up in big cities, mostly lived downtown in tiny apartments, and enjoyed the busy life I was living. Sort of. I always struggled with the fact that I am not really fond of people. I have my friends and family who I love dearly and love spending time with. But standing in line at Superstore for half an hour in a crowd of equally annoyed and impatient people was just not my thing. I developed huge anxiety growing up in busy places and going to busy schools and universities. When I was 14, I could barely go to the mall without feeling dizzy and panicking. My mom started calling it “Mall disorder” because any time I was in a large public space with lots of people, I fucking got weird. Over the years I learned to cope with all sorts of strategies. Ativan, if i was lucky and happened to have some on me, but mostly staring at the ground and shuffling through crowds, while inside feeling like I was about to faint or die. Mostly die. I knew if I fainted in public, I would likely die.

This is for Aynsley

This is for Aynsley

Anyways, this anxiety/phobia of crowds lead me to just hate people in general. I would get anxious going to the grocery store, getting gas, having to run an errand in an area of town I was unsure of. It was fucking stupid. It still is stupid to this day. Karlin and I can be walking somewhere and all the sudden I’m like HOLY SHIT I NEED TO LEAVE OR I WILL DIE. I’m sure that I am not alone and that lots of people suffer from way worse cases of agoraphobia and the like. All I’m saying is that as much as I loved Calgary and all its amenities, I also hated it because it was too big and there were too many god damn people. Also, the traffic drove me up the fucking wall. It took me 1 hour to get to Karlins house from my apartment downtown during rushhour and 20 minutes during non-peak hours. Either way, it was irritating having to sit in my car and listen to my static iPod radio transmitter thing.. In retrospect, I probably could have done something about my stereo situation and made my commutes much more enjoyable. Not the point. Calgary was a busy place and I constantly had people wanting to catch up, get drunk, have dinner with, hang out, etc. Which was so awesome because I love my friends. But here’s the kicker. I am extremely introverted. Lots of people think I am really outgoing and always energetic and up for anything. It’s all a facade. I love being alone. Here in Fruitvale, I am largely alone.

The other day, Karlin went to his moms place for something and she told him that she was worried about me because I am always alone up at the house. He came to my defense and assured her that I was perfectly fine. I love that he gets me. The truth is, I never feel “alone” in the general definition. I am literally alone, as in not having anyone else in my presence, my the mind of an introverted person is extremely loud and constant and always on the go. I don’t want to sound like a crazy person, but there is a constant dialogue in my head at all times. I am always thinking intently about things and planning and making lists and organizing my thoughts. I have enough going on inside me to keep me occupied (and entertained) for a lifetime. A common misconception of introverts is that we are quiet and not social and are loners. If you ask any of my friends, not one of them would tell you that I am a quiet person, nor that I am unsocial. A loner, maybe. But I love getting together with friends, and even family! I just can’t do it all the time. It is mentally draining for me. I can’t always be “on”. When I appear to be extroverted and outgoing, I am. It’s not totally fake. But it takes a huge amount of effort for me to be “that Colleen”. And I love being outgoing and sharing my thoughts and woes with the people around me, I just can’t do it all the time. I need a period of rest. It’s sort of like when you get a bunch of friends together at a table for dinner and drinks and by the end of the night there are 10 different conversations going on and everyone is engaged and having a good time. That is what life’s about. Having these great moments and memories. But nobody gets together with that many people EVERY night. Ok well maybe Kim Kardashian, but most people aren’t THAT social. For me, even having one friend over, or running into someone I know at the grocery store feels like that huge dinner party sort of a social interaction. And it fills my need for companionship just like that! Then I am set for the week!

So back to living in Fruitvale. Everyone I know thought I was absolutely batshit insane to move to here and give up my job that I loved and my adorable apartment downtown, right next to all my friends, and leave my family and my brand new niece. When we moved here, I wasn’t sure that I had made the right decision. It didn’t help that we moved in right away with his parents in their VERY busy household. I went from extreme privacy of my 600 sq ft apartment, to a house full of kids and aunts and uncles and parents and siblings. It was a shock to my system. 100%. Then when we couldn’t find a house of our own, I REALLY started questioning if I was the dumbest love struck human alive. Please note, this wasn’t the first time I had moved to BC for a guy. But I knew that Karlin was different and we were ENGAGED, not just newly dating adolescents. So I did it for love, which I know I was scoffed at by friends behind my back. And still am. But I am learning each day to give less and less fucks about what other people think I should be doing with my life.

So now I live in this tiny village. I never stand in lines to get groceries. There are no traffic lights anywhere near here, so there is never traffic. After a really hard long HOT summer, we have built a gorgeous house with an INCREDIBLE view. It makes me smile every morning when I get up and look down this crazy mountain valley. The weather is so mild. There are so many outdoor activities to do around here. I can shoot my gun in my own backyard. We have land! I haven’t been able to find work yet, but I am ok with it because I am lucky enough to use this time to do things that I never had time for in the city. We have family within walking distance. I struggle sometimes with the lack of shopping. I miss malls and Bestbuy and Chapters. I miss eating out at restaurants. But overall, I really am adjusting to small town living. Everyone knows who you are. Everyone always offers to help with any project you’re working on. You know all your neighbors. And I get to spend a lot of time doing my favorite thing. Staying in! Cooking! Watching movies! Going for adventures! Going to the lake! Hiding from large crowds 🙂

So this sort of touched on a lot of personal SHIT. But there you have it. The Housewife of Fruitvale.



The mother unit is coming to Fruitvale tomorrow. I couldn’t be more excited. We are heading across the boarder to Spokane on Friday to begin the dreaded quest to find a wedding dress. I am nervous because I think wedding dresses look like costumes. And not the sort of costume I would even want to wear. They are cheesy, expensive, bejeweled and so not me. I wish it was appropriate to wear whatever you liked. I would probably dress up as a dirty maid. OMG just thought of the best idea. Rocky Horror Picture Show themed wedding.

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It would be a total toss up between these two outfits. I wish someone had consulted me in another previous life and asked “what should we wear on this day of our marriage?”. Boom, right from the get go I would have made things a lot different. Now, I am forced to partake in this ridiculous rite of passage where I have to go into some hideous dress store and try one one million stupid ass dresses to please my mother and future mother-in-law.  I actually bought my wedding dress last month from a store in the US. It was gorgeous. My budget was $1000 and it was $2000 and I just didn’t give AF. But then UPS called me from the border and told me the duty and ‘broker fee’ came to $700. So that put my $2000 dress ($2600 CAD with shipping) up to almost $4000. That would drywall my entire basement. I just.literally.couldn’t. So I told them bravely to lick my fucking ass and hung up. Just kidding, I cried and told them I had to refuse the package and had to call and get a refund. SAD DAY. I would post a picture of said dress but am afraid in my delicate premenstrual state I would burst into tears or go postal on my lap top. Just know that it was gorgeous.

Anyways, I am sure that I am going to try on one million dresses that look like this:

Satin-strapless-wedding-dressand feel like doing this the entire time:

tumblr_mi6bfnkcRt1r64le7o1_1280  I am going to try and have a positive attitude for my moms sake though. I know she is really looking forward to laughing at me trying to get into ugly dresses. I booked us this really fun looking hotel called The Ruby downtown though. It has a really nice martini bar attached so if the day doesn’t go very well, I will wipe away the memory with alcohol.

It is 3:30pm and I haven’t worked out yet. I am a bit worried I’m not going to. It’s already getting dark here and a snow storm is coming. It is so hard for me to work out in the afternoons! I got a lot of shit done today, so it’s not like I sat on the couch watching flash mob marriage proposal videos on YouTube. OK, I ONLY DID THAT FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR. Maybe I should just go down and go on the elliptical for half an hour and watch something on TV. That doesn’t sound awful. This is going to happen.

I just got an email from a foreigner asking for me to proofread his term paper in 3 hours. OH BOY. His email was bad enough. I’m going to tell him I will do it for $100. I really want one of those step counter things and they are $100 I think. So if he agrees, then I will do it.. grudgingly.


It’s My Fucking Birthday

I should get drunk. Or take a nap. Or at least shower. Started off my day by getting a full physical exam. That was really a treat. Nothing says YOU’RE 28! like a stranger molesting you. Today I am going to do my challenges, and then do nothing else but eat pickles and cheese and crackers all day long. Fuck working out. I think i might also do some Christmas baking today! I feel the need to cheer myself up with food. Karlin isn’t home until late tonight so it’s just me, netflix, and a bottle of wine. No complaints from this side! MjAxMy1kNmMzMDRkOWU5NGFiZjY4Actually I am going to invent a new creation with ground chicken and sweet potatoes. Stay tuned for the invention!

Oh god so I did absolutely nothing and have no creative pictures to show. I think I just napped for 3 hours. Brought to you today, by Ativan.

On the third day, it snowed


NOW I am ready to bunker down and never leave my big beautiful house. FOR 3 MONTHS. It is ungodly beautiful here. I will admit, it was a struggle living in Karlin’s parents basement this summer while we built the house. A REAL struggle. Like I had a few triple Ativan days that I am not proud of. And I wasn’t sure how the rest of my life was going to play out because all I knew was big cities and busy lives. But now that we are in our own house, I think I could really get used to the small town living. I will ALWAYS miss my friends and it sucks I don’t get to see my only niece grow up every week. But one day I will have my own family and that will occupy my time. Fuck do I not look forward to that day when I decide to get pregnant. Poor Karlin. I predict pregnancy being very hard on me, considering I can pretty much feel an advil dissolve and disperse through my veins. Any sort of hormonal change shocks my body. Poor KARLIN again. I was working out in the basement this morning and was blasting music. Karlin came downstairs and came around the corner and scared me (like just surprised me, he wasn’t trying to scare me) and I felt absolute rage course through me. Because he scared me. By accident. I had to remind myself that feeling that amount of rage for that reason was not a normal reaction and that it was probably because I am expecting my period next week. SIDE RANT: I hate women that make pet names for their period or say things like ‘preggers’. Grow the fuck up. You didn’t get “preggers” because a man stuck his peeper in your woohoo. Call them what they are you losers. Cocks and cunts. Fuck. END OF SIDE RANT. Anyways, Poor Karlin! I’m glad he accepts and understands that when I am being crazy, it is not personal.

Oh ya. So I finished my 21 Day Meditation Challenge today. Have to admit, I’m not really sure if I gained anything from it. It was more of an experiment. There were maybe 4 days that I felt like it taught me something and I will say that I have a more positive outlook on certain parts of my life though. Mainly that positive attitudes attract positive results. SO la dee da. Challenge complete. Will I continue to meditate? Maybe once or twice a week. But probably not every day. Will I pay Oprah and Deepak Chopra money to have them recite guided meditations for me? Fuck nooooo.


I need wine

I feel like I am going to die if I don’t have a bottle glass of wine today. After working out and eating like a rabbit all week, turns out, I GAINED weight. Pretty much the most opposite result I could have hoped for. SO I went on the elliptical forever and did my challenges then took Crockett down to the crick with Karlin.

More importantly though, we are going to see Dumb and Dumber TOO tonight and I am fucking stoked. Also, I am having a good hair day. Things are looking up!

Anyways, enough about my boring life. I want to make some Christmas wreaths. Because I am Martha Stewart. This is what I am going to attempt.

4f684e129bf1acd81b9dca29ebf24d89Karlin’s mother and aunt made us go foraging with them the other weekend and we made Christmas baskets. I became hooked on foliage. Is that a real word? Foliage? These are what we created.

1610822_10154821121065500_7506838038197726393_nI thought they were pretty fucking impressive. So I am thinking if i gather similar materials and some additional twigs, I can create a disastrous looking wreath to hang proudly on our door. Pinterest is a really bad thing for someone in between jobs. Sometimes I get these ideas that I could open up a shop on etsy and be one of those really talented crafty people who make useless shit and sell them for above market prices. How does etsy work anyways? How do these vendors get away with selling hand knit scarves for $40. Malarky I tell you. However, I made my Christmas presents for my family and friends this year and they are really fucking amazing. I will post pics after Christmas so nobody knows what I made them. Assuming someone I know might read my blog.

Ok au revoir.

Insert Planet of the Apes theme song

I literally can't.

I literally can’t.

 Hello. I was hearing the theme song for Planet of the Apes in my head because I think it is quite shocking that this is my first blog that I am publicizing. I feel like I have such interesting and thought provoking ideas and it’s absurd that I haven’t shared them with YOU, INTERNET. Back to the apes, I just did a quick Google image search for said Apes and this fucking picture shows up. First of all, I have never actually seen this movie because I hate old movies (excluding Hard Ticket to Hawaii, which I can touch on later) and so this picture is extremely confusing for me. Second, is that a kiss? Is that a male human and a male ape kissing? I think I need to watch this movie. I tried watching the new Hollywood versions and just. literally.couldn’t. I’m going to stop with the literallying and canting literally right.. now.

I just had to pause and remember why I decided to start this blog. I love writing. I love typing. I love the sound of typing on my laptop. Is that weird? I’m sure that I will stumble upon something really clever if I just keep forcing myself to write, so here it is. I am challenging myself (and maybe my friend Jen) to write at least SOMETHING about ANYTHING every day for a month.

I think I am becoming obsessive with “30 Day Challenges”. I am currently partaking in a 30 Day Squat challenge, a 30 Day Sit Up Challenge, and a 21 Day Meditation Challenge. Guess which one I like doing the best? No, not the lazy meditation challenge, jerks. The squat challenge. BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO HAVE AN ASS.

photo(1)ASS ASS ASS ASS. K I am really far from being one of those girls that posts 40 thousand pictures of my ass and tags #getabooty #humpday #fitgurrrrlz mostly because I fucking wish and I am not fit. These just happen to be really complimenting Helly Hansen long Johns and I was heading out to go quadding and was like woah. . WOAH… Is that a bump where there is usually a pancake? Because I am used to seeing nothing but crepe back there. So, in conclusion, the 30 Day Squat Challenge is paying off I think! The sit up challenge.. not so much. It’s just torture. I hate sitting up. I started thinking of them as sit downs and would pretend the work was when I was lying back down. That made it easier. I did 100 today and wanted to puke and then punch my fiance in the face because he said “Good girl”, like I was a fat chick doing 3 pushups. Alright, I take back the punching my fiance in the face remark. I more just wanted to eat his face because I am “eating healthy” and “watching my calories”. Which essentially means obsessing over how much I shovel into my face and measuring 1/2 cup of rice every meal when really, I could eat the whole god damn pot of rice. I am hungry. I try to think of things I can consume that are zero calories and all I can think of is diet Coke, which is disgusting, and mustard.

Top 5 Things I wish were zero calories:

  1. cheese
  2. cheese flavored items
  3. Kraft Dinner
  4. rice
  5. chocolate milk

I would like to blame my current size on my fiance who I love dearly. I gained twenty fucking pounds in the first year we dated. Twenty. That is gluttonous. Now that we are to be wed next July, I feel like I should at least try to get back to my pre-Karlin size so I don’t burn all my wedding photos. Jen “the savage” Michenka has thankfully decided to join me on my quest to pre-men size so it seems more like a game than a solitary torturous feat. We pretty much talk about everything we eat, every time we sweat, all of our impressive bowel movements (oh shut up, every girl does it with her bestfriends) and all our theories and plans on how we are going to get fit. It is working. Slowly, but surely.

All this talk about fitness makes me want wine. I better brush my teeth before I’m tempted to crack into a nice big BOX o’wine.

This was day 1. Au revoir! THAT WAS FRENCH