Wild Rose Cleanse

Ok I’m on Day 8 of the Wild Rose Cleanse and I’ve been reading a lot of testimonials and I’m a bit confused. 

1) Everyone talks about how they shit non-stop. That’s just not the case for me? I mean I wake up and poop. It’s not pretty, but it’s a poop.. then I am usually good until the next day. Sometimes I have  another one in the late afternoon but not usually? Maybe I’m just so fucking healthy there’s no toxins to get rid of? Pfffft

2) People talk about the aches and pains they have like they are getting the flu. I’ve literally felt nothing like this. I’ve been grumpy AF because I want a cheeseburger and some fucking wine, but no flu symptoms. 

3) People are boasting they have lost 10-15 pounds on this cleanse. Ok I’m also on my period so maybe this has something to do with it but I’ve lost 2.5 pounds. In 8 days. That’s nothing to write home about and I’ve been following the diet to a T. I just read one where this chick caved on day 5 and drank every day for the rest of it and ate pizza and she’s like “tee hee I still lost 10 pounds” and I’m like YOU BITCH.

4) “I lost all my cravings for sugar and bad foods”. Are you serious? How? I caught myself staring at my dog today thinking about what he’d taste like with cheese on him. I need cheese in my life and small amounts of brown sugar. It’s what I’m most excited to eat. There’s not an hour that goes by without my mind creating a food fantasy. So shut up all you Internet liars saying you have no cravings near the end. (I will update you on day 12 if this miraculous event happens). 

5) “There’s lots to eat”. This is true but it’s all mega boring and you can’t put sauce on it because every god damn sauce has sugar or vinegar in it. 

So I think I have more energy and my belly is definetly flatter, but this has been a testament to my will power. I don’t think I’ve been this sober in 10 years. I guess that’s a good thing. But it’s super boring, dude. We have been really productive with all this spare time though. Amazing what you will clean when you’re avoiding the kitchen/liquor cabinet. 
I took before measurements so I’ll post my final results on Saturday morning (post shit). You’re welcome!

I’m dreaming of white wine at Christmas


Picky Judgmental Bitches

I think I might be one of them. I struggle daily with trying to decide whether I am a judgmental c-word, or if I am just really in touch with what I prefer. My mother always says “Don’t wait until you are 80 to start telling people to Fuck Off”. I have always lived by that. My stepmother, on the other hand, has always said “It is better to be kind, than it is to be right”, which I also agree with. So how do I live by both mantras?

Scenario A: I am faced with an acquaintance whom I immediately deem less intelligent than I am and a little on the cup of crazy side. Do I put up with their childish (dramatic) motions because it’s the polite thing to do, or do I dismiss them as unworthy of my time? It was brought to my attention in the last few months that I know precisely what I look for in a friend/role model.

Scenario B: Someone who I previously cherished and adored has taken a different path than I have and I can’t stand by their life choices. Do I politely stay “friends” to avoid being unkind? Or do I pull the plug so I don’t have to worry and lose sleep over their poor choices?

At what point is it OK to start banishing toxic people from your life?

I let go of my Maid of Honor.. We had been really tight BFFs for a long time. And then I just watched our friendship crumble. I knew that we were over a long time ago but it took a lot of guts to actually sever the relationship. Why didn’t I just wait until after the wedding and slowly let it dissipate? Like she likely would have done? Because FUCK THAT. I didn’t want to look back at my wedding pictures and have someone standing beside me that I no longer knew or cared about. Is that selfish? Or am I just lucky enough to know myself inside and out? To know exactly what bothers me and what isn’t worth my time? Am I a bitch because I cut ties with people whom were once a big part of my life? Or am I just good at…trimming the fat? (Jen.. pun intended).

I am compassionate for those who are less fortunate than I am. I don’t judge people who are a little white trash, uneducated, or just plain stupid. Wait, yes I do. Wait, no I don’t. If I meet someone who is (in my opinion) ghetto AF, do I say Fuck that! and choose not to allow them into my life, or do I try and feel compassionate and get to know them and not judge their lifestyle? The way I see it, I am doing both by choosing the Fuck That option. I am allowed to not like someone. That is my right. So how do I be kind about not liking someone? I cut them out of my life. I don’t try to take them down (I have been watching too much Gossip Girl) or hurt them in any way, but god damn it I am allowed to not like someone. I am allowed to be picky when it comes to the people I surround myself with. I am allowed to have a negative thought towards someone if I don’t agree with them. The difference is that I don’t announce my differences in a hurtful manner.

So I guess that means that being picky IS being judgmental. But being judgmental doesn’t have to be hurtful. So I can think FUCK THAT, but also be kind. Does that make me a bitch? Is that “two-faced”? Nobody likes everyone and everything. It is human nature not to like certain things. Like poison. And big hairy animals with sharp teeth. So to dislike something isn’t necessarily bitchy. It is survival. It keeps the baddies away.

So cheers to surviving, bitches! Be picky! Life is too short to waste time on people unworthy of your love and attention. I’d rather have 2 amazing friends than 50 half ass friends.