Mrs. Coffin

I got married 😍

I think it was the best day of my whole life.. Even if it was the worst year of planning and wedding shit. 

It poured rain of course but luckily it was welcomed rain as it made the temperature just perfect and everything was under tents anyways! 

So I am now Mrs. Coffin and am happier than a pig in shit!

Now for Paris 😍


Seven days..

Say it like you’re the girl from The Ring. Because that is how I feel right now. 

Only I’m having a wayyyy better hair day. As it would appear I am getting married in 7 days. Holy hell. Everyone keeps asking how I’m feeling and it’s getting annoying. I feel like all I get done every day is make bigger longer lists. That’s all wedding planning is really. Making lists. Then people expect you to give them your delicate lists so they can do whatever is on said lists. But I can’t do that. I wish I could but every time I give someone something to do I feel like I should have just done it myself. I’m not a delegator. I’m a task hoarder. 

Actually my mom has been a huge help from across the country. I can do all the hands on shit if she makes phone calls. Fuck do I hate calling people. I feel like I need time to formulate responses. Email me. Text me. Don’t call me. I’d rather write a 44 minute-long email than have a brief phone conversation. It’s an introvert thing. Leave me alone.

So anywho, I think I should be a wedding craft maker. I pretty much loathe girly white wedding shit but I’ve been nailing the decor with some helpful suggestions from my sister in law. I get an idea and she tones it down and makes it slightly less redneck. 

Example one. 


Jen: Um.. K.. But you need to mount it on something cute. 


I wanted tin can centrepieces with wild flowers. Jen wrangled me in. 

I wanted everyone to have little hilarious barn animals as their place holders. BOOM.

I guess I shouldn’t give all my hilarious decorations away in case my friends decide to become followers today. 

So my bridesmaids threw me a ridiculous staggette in Calgary during the Stampede. Holy Christ was that a hang over. 

Please note my bridesmaid on the ground. I vaguely remember this and it was only 6:30. You did good, girls. Real good. 

It took me 3 days to recover after that 12 hour shift of drinking. Never again.. Until someone else gets married anyways.

On the plus side, I miraculously lost weight after that trip to Calgary. Not sure how. All I did was drink and eat burgers and pizza. I guess it’s what my body does when it’s stressed. I VANISH. 

I’ve managed to keep my goal weight steady for the last week whilst drinking wine every night! It’s like the best. I’ve also been swimming across the lake and hiking a lot so that might be combating the wine? All I know is I spent a year getting to this weight and now that it’s 7 days until go time, I suddenly can’t be bothered to lift weights and even look at the elliptical. It can suck it. I have 2 more days until Jenny poo comes then my mom and Clayt and dad and patty and grandma! Fulllll house. Full house of alcoholics. This is gonna be good. 

I’m getting fucking married guys!! 

Wedding Crafts for Crazy People

I have been crafting up a storm making this backdrop for my wedding ceremony. It’s taking forever and I’m starting to forget what shape a heart is. You know when you read a word over and over and it starts to not even look like a word? That’s what’s happening to me after cutting one trillion paper hearts and sewing them together. I have about 10 more strands to go. 


Don’t attempt this unless you like blisters on your fingers and have way too much time on your hands. 

Oh and for everyone dying to know how my eyebrow growing is coming along.. I’ll be damned.. Castor oil DOES work!! I don’t look like Vanilla Ice anymore!

For my next trick, I will attempt to create centre pieces out of recycled garbage! Keep it classy kids 😉 

Oh and some wedding pics from the weekend, before Rocky Balboa made an appearance!



Wedding Rituals I Find Silly

I am learning so much about weddings lately and a lot of it I find so strange. This past weekend my future mother-in-law hosted a beautiful bridal shower for me at a bed and breakfast winery. She and my sister-in-law probably spent 100 hours preparing 1 million appies and decorating the place. There were even hand painted wine glasses as take aways. Such a massive get together for what.. Because I’m getting married. I find it strange that people go to such great lengths to celebrate something that isn’t really an accomplishment. Congrats on finding a human you want to hang with forever. Umm it was pretty easy. I didn’t really have to try that hard.. I just met him and we mutually agreed we were the coolest and then phantom glued our hands and hearts together. It wasn’t like I found the cure to foot fungus and hemmorhoids. I just fell in love with someone. This simple act now deems me eligible for presents and more attention than any normal person would want. 

I walked into the bed and breakfast and wished I had an invisible cloak so that it wasn’t so “OMG SHE’S HERE” *insert trumpets sounding* Thank god Jen was with me so at least it was like “OMG SHE’S HERE AND WHO IS THAT?” 

Then there was the present opening. First of all I was wearing a possibly inappropriate low cut dress and my tits were hanging out. So imagine bending over in front of 100 eyes (with grannies) watching me grab gifts.. That I don’t need… Or deserve for any reason. It was hella awkward. I might understand this shower ritual if I didn’t already have a full house equipped with everything I need. But having somewhat strangers try to decorate a house they’ve never been to is quite funny. I now have enough napkins to host all of Alberta over for dinner and wine glasses for each person. 

Anyways, I’m not trying to sound ungrateful at all because I thought it was really sweet that everyone went to so much trouble for me. I just don’t understand why some traditions stick, even when they don’t make sense in our modern society. Where couples often live together before marriage and have everything they need. Maybe it’s secretly for the parents in sort of a “thank god my spawn found someone to create spawn with”. Who knows. All I know is that I am discovering more crazy wedding things that are “tradition” that I am throwing right out the door. The whole “groom takes garter off of brides thigh with teeth in front of all the wedding guests” tradition is awful. Pretty sure nobody wants to see that. Also pretty sure my thighs will be a sweat lodge and Karlin would emerge looking like a wet seal.

Or when I was purchasing flowers, another massive expense for someone who doesn’t even really care for flowers, I was getting all worked up over all the people at the wedding that were entitled to corsages and boutonnières. All the grandmothers and mothers and groomsmen and grandfathers, etc.Guess what I think are ugly? Corsages and boutonnières. Guess who is getting one? NOBODY. If this is “my big day” then I’ll do what I want. No shoving cake in eachothers faces. No bouquet toss. Let’s all just dress up and eat good food and drink good wine. We don’t need to pour sand together and light ceremonial candles. We can do what normal people do when they want to celebrate. Take shots. 

Rant over. Back to the bed and breakfast. The woman who decorated this place was a god. She up cycled so many old pieces and incorporated lace and corrugated metal in so many beautiful spots I was truly inspirered.

This hanging old door with lace and pearls. Loved. This sliding barn door made from old pallets. Adored. 



This bathroom killed me. Claw foot tub with old windows covered in lace and hanging lights. Le sigh! 



The corrugated metal with lace on top tickled me. Every room was so precious. 







And chandeliers were everywhere. Like every corner. My heaven.






Please note we spent a lot of time getting ready to hang in this classy establishment…



And then got absolutely Opposite Day non classy drunk after and ended up at some of the less finer drinking holes in Trail.








What a greasy night that turned into. Can’t wait to do it again in the big city! 

Welp back to my million wedding crafts. But first, birthday cake.

Happy birthday Karlin my love! 




The mother unit is coming to Fruitvale tomorrow. I couldn’t be more excited. We are heading across the boarder to Spokane on Friday to begin the dreaded quest to find a wedding dress. I am nervous because I think wedding dresses look like costumes. And not the sort of costume I would even want to wear. They are cheesy, expensive, bejeweled and so not me. I wish it was appropriate to wear whatever you liked. I would probably dress up as a dirty maid. OMG just thought of the best idea. Rocky Horror Picture Show themed wedding.

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It would be a total toss up between these two outfits. I wish someone had consulted me in another previous life and asked “what should we wear on this day of our marriage?”. Boom, right from the get go I would have made things a lot different. Now, I am forced to partake in this ridiculous rite of passage where I have to go into some hideous dress store and try one one million stupid ass dresses to please my mother and future mother-in-law.  I actually bought my wedding dress last month from a store in the US. It was gorgeous. My budget was $1000 and it was $2000 and I just didn’t give AF. But then UPS called me from the border and told me the duty and ‘broker fee’ came to $700. So that put my $2000 dress ($2600 CAD with shipping) up to almost $4000. That would drywall my entire basement. I just.literally.couldn’t. So I told them bravely to lick my fucking ass and hung up. Just kidding, I cried and told them I had to refuse the package and had to call and get a refund. SAD DAY. I would post a picture of said dress but am afraid in my delicate premenstrual state I would burst into tears or go postal on my lap top. Just know that it was gorgeous.

Anyways, I am sure that I am going to try on one million dresses that look like this:

Satin-strapless-wedding-dressand feel like doing this the entire time:

tumblr_mi6bfnkcRt1r64le7o1_1280  I am going to try and have a positive attitude for my moms sake though. I know she is really looking forward to laughing at me trying to get into ugly dresses. I booked us this really fun looking hotel called The Ruby downtown though. It has a really nice martini bar attached so if the day doesn’t go very well, I will wipe away the memory with alcohol.

It is 3:30pm and I haven’t worked out yet. I am a bit worried I’m not going to. It’s already getting dark here and a snow storm is coming. It is so hard for me to work out in the afternoons! I got a lot of shit done today, so it’s not like I sat on the couch watching flash mob marriage proposal videos on YouTube. OK, I ONLY DID THAT FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR. Maybe I should just go down and go on the elliptical for half an hour and watch something on TV. That doesn’t sound awful. This is going to happen.

I just got an email from a foreigner asking for me to proofread his term paper in 3 hours. OH BOY. His email was bad enough. I’m going to tell him I will do it for $100. I really want one of those step counter things and they are $100 I think. So if he agrees, then I will do it.. grudgingly.