Things I learned the hard way in 2015

‘Tis the season to reflect on the last year and laugh about all the things that seemed important at the time. It was a pretty busy year. I traveled. I got married. I went on a honeymoon to Paris! I became a yoga instructor. I guess these are the big ones. So here is what I discovered in my 28th year.

  1. Elope. 

Seriously. Do yourself a huge favor if you are engaged and plan on having a wedding. Elope. Save yourself and your friends the time, frustration, and money. Planning a 100 person wedding was a fucking nightmare. I don’t wish that burden on even my closest enemies. Was my wedding awesome and one of the best days of my life? Yeah sure. But it would have been just as awesome with Karlin and I on a beach in flip flops with beers in our hands. Was my dress the nicest thing I will ever own and wear? DSC_8404Yeah obvi. But now it’s just a big bulky dress that will sit in my closet for all of eternity because I can’t emotionally detach myself from it to sell it. Did all my guests enjoy my wedding? Ya probably. It was a massive party at a mansion. Duh.

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If you choose to have a wedding, just know that you will lose friends. Probably even family members. You will loathe talking about flower arrangements and seating plans and no matter how hard you try, you will never please everyone. Your wedding is not about the bride and groom. Trust me. It is about pleasing every single parent, sibling, bridesmaid, and distant relative you have. You will develop some sort of anxiety and get migraines from the amount of stress you are under. I starting getting ocular migraines where I just randomly would go blind and have a hard time seeing, followed by a brutal migraine headache. Never had those before the wedding! And since the wedding, I haven’t had another!

I spent a year losing weight and getting in shape for the wedding and have gained all that weight back since July because I think my body was just never meant to be 145 pounds. Which leads me to my next point.

2. Stop dieting.

Life is too short to be angry all the time because you haven’t allowed yourself to eat a carb in 6 months. Eat all the cheese. Drink all the wine. Just do it in moderation. Don’t drink a bottle of wine with every meal. Eat some vegetables. Do yoga. Go for walks. Lift heavy things every once in a while. Move around. You’ll be fine. Throughout my yoga training I realized that you don’t have to be a size 0 to feel strong and good about your body. I haven’t counted a calorie since the wedding and yes I gained back the 10 pounds I had lost prior, but I also haven’t gained back anymore. This is my homeostasis and I have accepted it. I can pretty much eat and drink whatever I want (within reason, like I am not an empty pit or anything) and stay this size. Through exercise I can tone and LOOK good, but that has nothing to do with the number on the scale. So this year I learned to just eat mindfully and not be so fucking hard on myself if I have a chubby day or week. It’s just skin. I’m never going to be a size 4 because I have these stupid boney things called hips that seriously get in the way. I also have a different kind of life. Yes I still follow my favorite instagram models and fitness gurus, but I am now hyper aware that we have different priorities and they will never be in sync. I have been following one girl and after a year of reading her posts I have decided that she probably has an eating disorder. She shames herself for eating what I would deem regular food. She posts pictures of her abs and says “so huge today” and I am like um what? If you are huge, then I am a walrus. She posted the other day that she had a cheat meal that consisted of one small turkey burger, a Cesar salad, and one alcoholic beverage (which I can only assume was some skinny girl wine with 20 calories and no taste) and then the next day spent 2 hours in the gym working it off. All the power to you, girl, but I’d rather not spend my time obsessing over everything I put in my mouth. I am alright with not having a 6 pack. I don’t walk around town with my shirt off anyways. Nor do I see people and wonder if they have 6 packs under their shirts. It’s just not something I am going to worry about. Eat mindfully. Eat vegetables every day. Move your body. You’ll be fine.

3. Make shit happen. 

I waited 2 years for something to happen to me in Fruitvale. I waited for friends to trickle in. I waited for the perfect job to find me. I waited for something to happen that would give me direction. Here’s what I discovered. Nothing will find you. You have to go out and find it. If that means trying 1 million new things, then do it. I was sick of not finding a job here so I made my own. I worked my ass off and got what I wanted. Someone didn’t just mail me a teaching certificate. Nobody is building my dream studio for me (well Karlin is but he’s like a strong extension of me :P). You need to go out and look for things. I am struggling with the saying “Everything happens for a reason”. It sounds so mystical like someone else is in control of what happens to you. “A reason” is not chance. The reason is you made it happen. I didn’t meet Karlin by chance. I went looking for him. I didn’t move to Fruitvale by fate. I chose to move here.

If you are waiting around for something good to happen, you will wait your whole life. If you want something, go get it. Make a plan. Follow through. Do shit. It doesn’t have to be epic. Just do shit. 

4. Don’t wash your hair so much. 

Ya  I’m a greaser. Deal with it. Don’t waste your time on hair man. Save hair washes for days you are seeing people you care about. When I lived in Calgary I couldn’t go grocery shopping without some form of a hair style and makeup. It took a lot of time. Become one with your naked face. Drink water all day. You will look fine. Nobody will be like “omg she didn’t have her eyebrows on fleek when I saw her buying toilet paper at Walmart today”. Washing your hair takes a lot of time and effort if you have long hair so I have just stopped making it a priority. Ain’t nobody got time for a 15 minute blow dry. Wash once or twice a week. Your hair will be healthier and the world won’t end. Just don’t be smelly. You got time for a shower.

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5. Buy a big ugly phone protector case. 

Ya having a sassy phone case is fun and awesome. But you know what’s not awesome?

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Buying a new iPhone 6 screen.

6. Take breaths, not Ativan. 

Alright there are certain moments in life where I look back and am like Thank fuck for vitamin A. But this year I have learned to breathe again. I don’t want to sound like a hippie freak. It really works though. I cannot control when I have anxiety but I have learned that my breathing has a lot to do with it. Focus on your breath for as long as you can pay attention. Count how many seconds you inhale and count how many seconds you exhale. You will calm the fuck down. Your breath is your only ally. It is always with you no matter what, unless you’re like.. dead. So use it. You can’t breathe in the past. You can’t breathe in the future. You can only breathe in the present moment. So when you’re freaking out, just stop what you’re doing and reconnect with literally the only thing that is with you all the time. You can relax your nervous system with just your breathe. It is a real thing. Your body knows what to do. Breathe loud too. Take loud annoying breathes. Be a mouth breather. K maybe do it somewhere a little more private than like in a room full of people. Just try it before you resort to meds. And if you really can’t calm the fuck down, then have at er. But I promise 99% of the time you won’t need it after a few minutes of deep breaths. I always heard that I should do this but thought it was dumb mystical bullshit. It’s physiology. I can get behind science any day of the week!  (JUST NOT MATH. FUCK YOU MATH)

7. Recycle and walk places.

I have witnessed some crazy shifting weather in the last year. Forest fires ravaged our province this summer. It was 14 degrees and the grass was growing at my moms farm on Christmas where normally there was 6 feet of snow. There has been horrible natural disasters all over the world and it’s become more obvious this year than ever before that we are all fucked. So start recycling. Drive less. Use reusable bags. Do something to reduce your footprint because it’s only going to get worse. The storms are going to get bigger. This year I am going to make a bigger effort to do my part and you should too. Plant a garden. Grow some shit. Carpool. Get your parents on board. end rant.

 

These are just a few things I wanted to share. Hope everyone has learned some lessons this year. Feel free to share. Have a good New Years!

 

 

 

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10 Things I Learned in 2014

I started getting nostalgic and thinking about the last year and all the shit I learned. Maybe I learned them in my 20s but didn’t realize they were lessons until now. Or who knows, maybe I’m just wise as fuck. Anyways, take a knee kids.

1) Loving someone is hard

But it shouldn’t be too hard! It is hard to be selfless and love someone and put them in front all the time. Sometimes you have to disagree with the person you love so you don’t lose sight of who you are. It’s a fine balance of being kind and giving, while also being a little bratty and keeping parts of you the same and not budging no matter what your loved one thinks or says. Unless your loved one is Ryan Gosling. Then do whatever the fuck he says gurrrrllll.

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2) Sacrifice is a necessity in relationships

And I don’t just mean baby lambs and virgins. If you truly want to stay in a relationship you have to be willing to make sacrifices. I don’t think there are two people who want exactly the same thing all the time so if it’s going to work, you need a little wiggle room. A LOT in my case, hence me uprooting my entire life and moving it all to Fruity. When Karlin told me he wanted to move back to his hometown I knew I was either going with him, or breaking up with him. Noooo thanks! Karlin is my dream boat. End of story.

3) Living with future in laws is fattening

For real. Living with many people means cooking large quantities of food, which means a lot of groceries, which means a lot of cheap shitty crowd pleaser foods. It’s much easier to please 8 adults and 2 kids with some pasta and generic sauce than it is to prepare spinach and feta stuffed chicken breasts and a big organic salad with risotto. I tried to make healthy and delicious meals for everyone but it was exhausting and there were never any leftovers so every meal required so much thought. So I gave up. And got hella chubby. Now that we are in our own house, it’s soooo much easier to eat healthy because Karlin will be thrilled to eat anything I put in front of him and we can afford to splurge on organics and fresh local meats. Like pigs. insert pig roast montage

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4) Get Rid of Toxic People
They serve no purpose. Keeping them around is only enabling them to shit on your life and annoy you. So fuck them. Life is too good to waste it with losers. And like I always tell Karlin when he complains about this guy he works with who is a dick to him: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE EVERYONE.

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5) Pinterest is Largely Misleading

Don’t get all uppity, I adore Pinterest.. But it shouldn’t be taken literally. Just because someone took a ridiculous amount of time to take step by step pictures and clever instructions, does not guarantee your craft is going to turn out anything like theirs. I’d say 9/10 of my Pinterest creations failed HARD. No, Pam cooking spray does not “set” nail polish. Writing on a mug with a permanent marker and baking it for 30 minutes does not permanently implant your image on the cup. None of your baking or stuffed meats will look like they do on Pinterest.

Although THIS was pretty sweet. But that’s just because Karlin helped me..

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But ya, most of my attempts were brutal.

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6) Building A House is Hard

I will admit, I designed my dream Pinterest house and love it to death. But I almost killed my fiancé and his family in the process. If you can afford it, hire a builder. Because it’s fucking brutally hard and physically demanding. Not to mention mentally exhausting. Especially when you spend an entire day doing something wrong and have to do it all over again! We had a lot of good memories and fun drunken nights after a hard day of cement pouring or stripping forms. But a lot of nights I came home and cried haha. A LOT OF ATIVAN WAS SWALLOWED.

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7) University degrees are not That great

Ok if you’re a doctor or an engineer maybe they aiight. But a Communications Degree is fucking bullshit in small towns. If I were smarter, I would have gone to trades school. It means nothing to have a communications degree in a town where the only work is in healthcare and trades like electricians and builders. I should have become a welder. Or a nuclear weapons specialist.

8) Kraft Dinner is fucking horrible for you

It’s true. I can eat like a box of KD in one sitting, and let me just say, it’s probably worse for you than going to McDonalds and ordering 2 Big Macs. It’s just not something that I have wanted to come to terms with in the last few years. It is my comfort food. But I need to find a new way to comfort myself. Sorry my cheesey ketchupy heavenly friend. We need to break up like now.

9) When you find good friends, never let go of them

Ever. Use Duct tape and zip ties if you need to secure them in your life.

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10?) Stephanie Barnes has cute kids and I cannot count

Barnes mentioned she found my blog and read every single post and was not sure if she liked reading it because she was afraid I was going to talk about her. Stephanie Barnes lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. She is engaged to Jason and has two adorable little girls, Scarlett and Piper. They steal my hearts every time I see them. One time, Scarlett shot Jen in the face with a pen lid while we were having lunch. Then a bee landed in Stephs hair and Jen and I laughed at her as she freaked out. Also, I clearly can’t count because there are only 9 things I learned this year.

So there you have it. 2014 was full of changes and I started a new life in a new.. village.. Happy New years to all my friends and family and followers!

I guess I need to plan a wedding now!

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Stay tuned for my New Years meal plan and workouts. Starting tomorrow. Not today. Too much champagne 🙂