2016: I survived with minor bruises

What a fucking year. I am lucky to say that I survived because so many people did not. We lost a lot of animal friends, people friends, and a lot of family this year. There were hundred of meltdowns. Tons of disappointments. Many moments of sheer “FUCK YOU WORLD”.

Why are some years so full of shit and burden and death? I will tell you why. You may not want to hear this though because when I am drowning in self pity I don’t want to hear this. But here it comes:

Everything happens for a reason, man.

 That’s it. Plain and simple. If you are looking around at other people’s lives on facebook and Instagram wondering why you aren’t married, having kids, looking fresh to death, eating kale and selling FitTea, here is the simple explanation: It’s just not your time. It is not in your cards. Let me give you a prime example:

My mom is trying to make the move west to live in the same town as me. She put her house up for sale with the most incompetent realtor on the planet. As a result, she had shitty people coming to see her house who lead her to believe she had sold her place, but it never happened. She was devastated. All she wanted was to move this year. So she got another realtor. Yes her house sat on the market all summer with no activity, but it was for the best because her new realtor has found some pretty promising leads and circumstances have changed. Mom now wants a bigger house than the one she previously had her eye on in my town. So if her place had sold with the shitty realtor, yes she would be here by now, but would still be faced with selling a home she didn’t want to be in. So in my eyes, it was just about timing. She wasn’t meant to sell the house until just the right time. She was also meant to stay in her house because her mother died this year and until that happened, I don’t truly think she was ready to leave.

It’s all about timing. Everyone is freaking saying how this was the worst year but I am choosing to go the higher road. I am choosing to believe that these life lessons, although seemingly harsh, were meant to make us stronger. More capable of taking control of our lives and figuring out what is important. Now I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart not on my sleeve but literally on the end of my nose. Everyone can see my emotions. So in the moment of something shitty happening, yes I lose my fucking cool. But always make sure you sit back, maybe a few days later, and reflect upon what happened. Try to figure out why this happened and what you can learn from it. Your attitude can literally change your environment.

Try and treat people you meet with love and dignity. Try not to be judgmental because you never know their story. If you have a rude cashier or server or bus driver, just remember that everyone has shit. MY first instinct is to think :”Wow what a fucking hag”. But perhaps as a New Years resolution, try to change your perspective and send them kind thoughts and energy. Even just smile at them and tell them to have a good day. I could change their whole day.

One of Karlin’s sisters best friends was killed suddenly on her birthday here in town 2 weeks ago and it was such a tragic loss. To say that it was meant to be is extremely hurtful for a grieving family. So what can we try and take away from this? I decided that the only lesson I could learn from this was to live each day like it was your last. Cut out the small shit that you obsess over. Make a list of things that are important to you and really spend some time prioritizing that list. 

Mine would look something like this:

 

  1. Ok the obvious :food, shelter, water, etc.
  2. Family/ Friends
  3. Biggie smalls
  4. My happiness
  5. Kraft dinner/pizza/tacos
  6. My health
  7. Wealth
  8. Nice leggings
  9. Cute nailpolish
  10. Number of likes on Instagram

Ok the end is largely a joke but you get the point. Make sure the top of your list is satisfied before you start to worry about the bottom of the list. Life is just too fucking short. Put your time and energy into doing things that make your heart sing. Yes, you have to work to make money to survive. But try to find happiness in the work you do. If you aren’t happy, do something about it.

We all have the ability to reciprocate and spread love so let’s add that to our list of New Years Resolutions. This world is becoming so fucked up (may I remind you of the 2016 clown invasion? And no I’m not taking about Clinton and Trump). We can heal at least our immediate environment by consciously choosing to be kind rather than right.  

Now, my previous post was about the Wild Rose herbal cleanse so I will follow up with this: I lost 5 pounds, felt really good, but as soon as those 12 days were over it was back to eating whatever I wanted. So zero lessons learned. Mind you it was the holidays so perhaps I will try again.

2016 taught me how to start my own business, build a yoga studio without beheading my husband, raise a beautiful little human (ok dog but he’s more human than anything), and how to be prepared for emergencies. 

So let’s all just take a deep fucking breath… and hold it for 4 more days until it’s 2017! All the best in the New Year kiddies 😘


 

3 Daily Practices I’ve Adopted

I’ve been making a lot of self discoveries lately. Maybe because I’m turning 30 this year and I’ve been reflecting on where the fuck I’m going to go from here. Maybe because I’ve just figured out how to slow things down. I don’t know. But things have started changing and I’ve made a very mental and physical attempt to find spontaneity within my routine. I have been listening to a lot of quiet places and a lot of loud places and have felt this overwhelming need to make more space in my head for all these new sensations and ideas. I have been picking little.. rituals? I guess you can call them rituals. Little things from a lot of different places that just resonate with me. And I’ve been practicing them every day and I think I’m becoming a way happier person than I ever imagined possible. I thought I’d share just a few of them.

Wake up and be still in the morning.

I found myself in this habit of rolling over and grabbing my phone and slipping into the land of social media. I’d lie in bed for at least half an hour just scrolling through shit and all of this, whether I was aware of it or not, was dictating how I felt all day. Most the time, it was shitty or guilty. Shitty that I went another day without hitting the gym and how beautiful my idols looked on IG. Guilty that I ate a burger when I saw pictures of beautiful salads and vegan shit. Lonely when I saw pictures of my friends far away having a fucking blast without me. It really started to take a toll on me. So I’ve made an effort to wake up, roll out of bed, put the kettle on, let the puppy out and then I just sit with my tea. Sometimes I do some yoga. Sometimes I just sit and enjoy the silence. I wait until I’ve worked out and eaten before I look at my phone and am finding I am way more motivated and ambitious. 

Drink hot lemon tea.

It’s my jam. I’m borderline obsessed. Supposedly it gets your poop machine rolling and is good for all your physiological systems. It wakes me up and gives me a possibly false feeling of being healthy. Maybe it does nothing? I don’t know. Just do it.

The grass is fine right where you are.

This is sort of ironic because I literally live in a gravel pit with no grass. But I am consciously making an effort not to set myself up in the following way: IF I do this, THEN I will be happy/satisfied. Things are pretty damn awesome right this moment. It’s great to have goals and plans for the future. I really want to get my yoga business running and have plans on how I’m going to get to that point. But I am also really fucking happy right this moment. I have food, shelter, and so much fucking love it’s grosssss. Some people don’t have any of that. So instead of making lists and formulas of ways to get to the greener grass so that I can be happy, I make lists of things that I already have accomplished and stare at that for a while. Good work, Colleen. You fucking rule. Yes I would be happy to lose a few pounds. Make a million dollars. But a bunch of new clothes. But my gut keeps me warm. I’ve got all that I need. And if I wanted more outfit choices, I could just lose a few pounds and then all my old clothes would fit again. So I have everything I need right now. Except literal grass.  

 
Anywho, as I am writing this we have contractors installing beautiful cork floors in the studio. I might explode with joy. I will post pics once they are done but here are some befores:

   
   
I am going to go get some sun on my see through ass and drink some rosé. 🙏🏻💋🕶🍷🌮💁ૐ

Busy beeeee

Holy. I’ve finally found my way out of a black hole. Temporarily.. Here’s what I’ve been up to in a really short story.

So Damien showed up on my doorstep last Wednesday. We decided to play adventure land and found a weird Russian cemetery island.. So bizarre.

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Then we went on a sculpture walk downtown Castlegar.

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Then we had lunch at the local stripper bar. No pics. Derrr.

Then we went to the top of the Bombi and took some cool pics of Castlegar. Note: panoramic views are hilarious when you move around.

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Then we came home and picked up Karlin and drove to the Rock Cut up the mountain in Rossland. Drinks may have been consumed.

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On the way home Dam insisted we stop at the local pub, even though I insisted it was a disgusting hole. After 4 drinks, he finally agreed.

The next day we went to Nelson and checked out my favorite Middle Eastern hole and had shawarma bowls.

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Unbelievable. So much tzaziki and hummus goodness. There was a feminist protest going on with these crazy chicks dressed as bears that were vandalizing shit screaming Shut down Canada. Fucking hippie losers. I love Nelson, but it’s full of fucking crazy people. So we headed to the beach and went under the bridge.

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Then we came home and Damien and I watched movies and made fun of our friends. Steph and Jen arrived around 11 and it was a love fest. Barnes sent a Christmas present along with them and it summed up my life.

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Also, did anyone see that news clip of the deal eating an octopus? Because it’s fucking baller. I DON’T.. FUCK WITH… Youuuuu

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So the next morning we woke up and had breakies then headed out to the Pendelreille (I have no fucking idea how to spell that) and took the old rape whistle out. So much fun. Of course you can’t go skeet shooting and drink beers without looking like a total fucking babe.

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We found a lovely little spot and brought the skeet thrower. #budlightlife

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After that, things escalated very quickly and we set a brush fire back at home because we weren’t quite being redneck as fuck.

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There was a lot of wall twerking going on and then a discussion about why girls wear leggings non stop was brought up. So my future husband and his buddy decided to put on my leggings. And they fucking liked it.

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The next day, we decided it would be a good idea to go curling. And it was.

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We had a pizza party after (I brought healthy chili and didn’t even eat pizza. Ya. I fucking rock). Then we got silly and had some couch cuddles and stayed up late watching scary movies.

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Yesterday all those fuckers finally left. Just kidding I love them all dearly and I’d love if they stayed forever. However, my liver might disagree.

So here’s some good news: I stuck to my workout schedule every day they were here, I avoided most shitty food and we cooked turkey burgers on Saturday night. My wine consumption was through the God damn roof because we buy 1.5 L bottles and don’t fuck around. But at the end of all the chaos, I didn’t gain a single pound so I must have been doing something right! GO TEAM.

Next week I’m off to Pheonix so I need to start cutting right fucking now. Nothing but salads and chicken baby. Actually, beads gave me a vegan cookbook for Christmas and I was looking through some of the recipes and they look unfuckingreal so I might dabble into it.

Also, I’m going on a trip tomorrow to a secret location that I cannot disclose right now in case somebody is reading this. But I will be away for the next 5 days, come home, have a photoshoot with this bank that wants to take pics of our kitchen, then I leave for Pheonix for 10 days. So depending on my down time, this may be another trip to a black hole. If so, see you on the other side when I have a tan!

10 Things I Learned in 2014

I started getting nostalgic and thinking about the last year and all the shit I learned. Maybe I learned them in my 20s but didn’t realize they were lessons until now. Or who knows, maybe I’m just wise as fuck. Anyways, take a knee kids.

1) Loving someone is hard

But it shouldn’t be too hard! It is hard to be selfless and love someone and put them in front all the time. Sometimes you have to disagree with the person you love so you don’t lose sight of who you are. It’s a fine balance of being kind and giving, while also being a little bratty and keeping parts of you the same and not budging no matter what your loved one thinks or says. Unless your loved one is Ryan Gosling. Then do whatever the fuck he says gurrrrllll.

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2) Sacrifice is a necessity in relationships

And I don’t just mean baby lambs and virgins. If you truly want to stay in a relationship you have to be willing to make sacrifices. I don’t think there are two people who want exactly the same thing all the time so if it’s going to work, you need a little wiggle room. A LOT in my case, hence me uprooting my entire life and moving it all to Fruity. When Karlin told me he wanted to move back to his hometown I knew I was either going with him, or breaking up with him. Noooo thanks! Karlin is my dream boat. End of story.

3) Living with future in laws is fattening

For real. Living with many people means cooking large quantities of food, which means a lot of groceries, which means a lot of cheap shitty crowd pleaser foods. It’s much easier to please 8 adults and 2 kids with some pasta and generic sauce than it is to prepare spinach and feta stuffed chicken breasts and a big organic salad with risotto. I tried to make healthy and delicious meals for everyone but it was exhausting and there were never any leftovers so every meal required so much thought. So I gave up. And got hella chubby. Now that we are in our own house, it’s soooo much easier to eat healthy because Karlin will be thrilled to eat anything I put in front of him and we can afford to splurge on organics and fresh local meats. Like pigs. insert pig roast montage

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4) Get Rid of Toxic People
They serve no purpose. Keeping them around is only enabling them to shit on your life and annoy you. So fuck them. Life is too good to waste it with losers. And like I always tell Karlin when he complains about this guy he works with who is a dick to him: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE EVERYONE.

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5) Pinterest is Largely Misleading

Don’t get all uppity, I adore Pinterest.. But it shouldn’t be taken literally. Just because someone took a ridiculous amount of time to take step by step pictures and clever instructions, does not guarantee your craft is going to turn out anything like theirs. I’d say 9/10 of my Pinterest creations failed HARD. No, Pam cooking spray does not “set” nail polish. Writing on a mug with a permanent marker and baking it for 30 minutes does not permanently implant your image on the cup. None of your baking or stuffed meats will look like they do on Pinterest.

Although THIS was pretty sweet. But that’s just because Karlin helped me..

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But ya, most of my attempts were brutal.

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6) Building A House is Hard

I will admit, I designed my dream Pinterest house and love it to death. But I almost killed my fiancé and his family in the process. If you can afford it, hire a builder. Because it’s fucking brutally hard and physically demanding. Not to mention mentally exhausting. Especially when you spend an entire day doing something wrong and have to do it all over again! We had a lot of good memories and fun drunken nights after a hard day of cement pouring or stripping forms. But a lot of nights I came home and cried haha. A LOT OF ATIVAN WAS SWALLOWED.

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7) University degrees are not That great

Ok if you’re a doctor or an engineer maybe they aiight. But a Communications Degree is fucking bullshit in small towns. If I were smarter, I would have gone to trades school. It means nothing to have a communications degree in a town where the only work is in healthcare and trades like electricians and builders. I should have become a welder. Or a nuclear weapons specialist.

8) Kraft Dinner is fucking horrible for you

It’s true. I can eat like a box of KD in one sitting, and let me just say, it’s probably worse for you than going to McDonalds and ordering 2 Big Macs. It’s just not something that I have wanted to come to terms with in the last few years. It is my comfort food. But I need to find a new way to comfort myself. Sorry my cheesey ketchupy heavenly friend. We need to break up like now.

9) When you find good friends, never let go of them

Ever. Use Duct tape and zip ties if you need to secure them in your life.

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10?) Stephanie Barnes has cute kids and I cannot count

Barnes mentioned she found my blog and read every single post and was not sure if she liked reading it because she was afraid I was going to talk about her. Stephanie Barnes lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. She is engaged to Jason and has two adorable little girls, Scarlett and Piper. They steal my hearts every time I see them. One time, Scarlett shot Jen in the face with a pen lid while we were having lunch. Then a bee landed in Stephs hair and Jen and I laughed at her as she freaked out. Also, I clearly can’t count because there are only 9 things I learned this year.

So there you have it. 2014 was full of changes and I started a new life in a new.. village.. Happy New years to all my friends and family and followers!

I guess I need to plan a wedding now!

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Stay tuned for my New Years meal plan and workouts. Starting tomorrow. Not today. Too much champagne 🙂