Seven days..

Say it like you’re the girl from The Ring. Because that is how I feel right now. 

Only I’m having a wayyyy better hair day. As it would appear I am getting married in 7 days. Holy hell. Everyone keeps asking how I’m feeling and it’s getting annoying. I feel like all I get done every day is make bigger longer lists. That’s all wedding planning is really. Making lists. Then people expect you to give them your delicate lists so they can do whatever is on said lists. But I can’t do that. I wish I could but every time I give someone something to do I feel like I should have just done it myself. I’m not a delegator. I’m a task hoarder. 

Actually my mom has been a huge help from across the country. I can do all the hands on shit if she makes phone calls. Fuck do I hate calling people. I feel like I need time to formulate responses. Email me. Text me. Don’t call me. I’d rather write a 44 minute-long email than have a brief phone conversation. It’s an introvert thing. Leave me alone.

So anywho, I think I should be a wedding craft maker. I pretty much loathe girly white wedding shit but I’ve been nailing the decor with some helpful suggestions from my sister in law. I get an idea and she tones it down and makes it slightly less redneck. 

Example one. 


Jen: Um.. K.. But you need to mount it on something cute. 


I wanted tin can centrepieces with wild flowers. Jen wrangled me in. 

I wanted everyone to have little hilarious barn animals as their place holders. BOOM.

I guess I shouldn’t give all my hilarious decorations away in case my friends decide to become followers today. 

So my bridesmaids threw me a ridiculous staggette in Calgary during the Stampede. Holy Christ was that a hang over. 

Please note my bridesmaid on the ground. I vaguely remember this and it was only 6:30. You did good, girls. Real good. 

It took me 3 days to recover after that 12 hour shift of drinking. Never again.. Until someone else gets married anyways.

On the plus side, I miraculously lost weight after that trip to Calgary. Not sure how. All I did was drink and eat burgers and pizza. I guess it’s what my body does when it’s stressed. I VANISH. 

I’ve managed to keep my goal weight steady for the last week whilst drinking wine every night! It’s like the best. I’ve also been swimming across the lake and hiking a lot so that might be combating the wine? All I know is I spent a year getting to this weight and now that it’s 7 days until go time, I suddenly can’t be bothered to lift weights and even look at the elliptical. It can suck it. I have 2 more days until Jenny poo comes then my mom and Clayt and dad and patty and grandma! Fulllll house. Full house of alcoholics. This is gonna be good. 

I’m getting fucking married guys!! 


Wedding Crafts for Crazy People

I have been crafting up a storm making this backdrop for my wedding ceremony. It’s taking forever and I’m starting to forget what shape a heart is. You know when you read a word over and over and it starts to not even look like a word? That’s what’s happening to me after cutting one trillion paper hearts and sewing them together. I have about 10 more strands to go. 


Don’t attempt this unless you like blisters on your fingers and have way too much time on your hands. 

Oh and for everyone dying to know how my eyebrow growing is coming along.. I’ll be damned.. Castor oil DOES work!! I don’t look like Vanilla Ice anymore!

For my next trick, I will attempt to create centre pieces out of recycled garbage! Keep it classy kids 😉 

Oh and some wedding pics from the weekend, before Rocky Balboa made an appearance!



Being a Hero is Easy

Being a role model is way harder. I have decided that dogs and children are way easier to impress. I spent my weekend dealing with family drama regarding the wedding invite list. For anyone out there deciding if eloping is the better option, here’s a hot tip: IT IS. I wish I had done that instead. Now that I have so much money put down for deposits, this is no longer an option for me so I must suck it up and carry on with this dooms day.

I’ve been searching for advice online how to cope with wedding planning stress and the best advice I’ve found is that at the end of the day, all that matters is that I marry my bestfriend and love of my life. All the rest is bullshit. Corsages? Fucking ugly and I hate them. So nobody gets one. Sorry moms and grandmas. NAMW. $200+ for each bridesmaid bouquet? Suck it. You can carry broccoli bunches wrapped in ribbon. Don’t like who you’re sitting by? Screw you all no seating plan. Your dad doesn’t want to come due to deep seeded 25 year old drama that has nothing to do with you? I’ll take pics and send them your way. Oh you’re sad I invited some of your friends and not you even though we haven’t spoken in 3 years? I’ll take a shot for you, homebrew.

Some other good advice from my dad: “Just do what I do. Pretend you’re a pyramid made out of titanium so anything that comes your way just hits you and falls to the floor”.

Touché pops, touché.


Hey beads.. See what I did there..

On the plus side, I ordered 400 ft of adorable glass globe lights so my wedding can look like every other wedding on Pinterest. SUCCESS.

I’m also attempting to grow all of the flowers needed for my wedding. This should be hilarious. I promise to update with pics.


We spent the weekend working on the guest suite and I’m extremely excited about it because I have been given full decorating reign. Picking a paint colour is a lot harder than expected. But that’s still a ways away. This week I’m tackling the taping and mudding. I’ve watched about 3 YouTube videos on how to do it and consider myself fully trained and prepared now. Oh baby. This is going to be good. Also, thoughts on wallpaper? I found some bomb ass stuff on Amazon that I really like. Just for one wall…


I’m also going to make some curtains because I adopted some heavy mint green upholstery fabric and its taunting me from the office. Every time I walk by I see a corner of it under the couch because that’s where I jammed it. It’s like COME PLAY WITH ME..






So to cheer ourselves up we spent some time with Karlins nieces because they act like they have just taken large hits from the bong.
After building a nest for Madi, she decided we needed to build another one right beside it because this one was for the friendly snakes. The friendly snakes that made honey. Green honey… Oh BUT WE HAVE TO SHOW THEM HOW TO MAKE THE HONEY.


I was like “where does mommy hide her drugs?” If you ever want a good laugh, ask a three year old to describe an episode of Bubble Guppies. You are bound to receive a response similar to someone who has taken a lot of acid.
The next night we were invited to go bowling in the basement of the Fruitvale Hall. How could I even resist seeing this gem.
At first it was like meh. Alright.


Then we requested the lady who was running the busy place to turn on the cool lights. Boom. Magic town.


We also discovered that Madi is related to Beyoncé and runs the world.


So things got weird this weekend in summary.

It was really nice I didn’t have to cook on Saturday! Karlins sister made these ridiculously delicious Vietnamese wraps with vermicelli noodles, salmon, cucumbers, peppers, peanuts and more. Of course I didn’t eat the salmon because that’s disgusting dude. Madi and I got special chicken made just for us. Because we are children. I should have taken a pic but didn’t want to be weird. I will recreate this week perhaps because they were delicious!

I’m going to go make some chili and drill some more screws into the drywall so I can begin my masterpiece.

India to Fruitvale: Butter Chicken Heaven

Butter chicken is usually a treat for Karlin and I because we can only get it in Castlegar at this little Indian hole in the wall. We have attempted to make it a few times and it’s always been less than satisfactory. The butter chicken in a jar is bland and full of preservatives, and the other recipes I have tried ended up just tasting like curried chicken, which is not what I crave.

So we attempted to make it again, this time taking care to marinade the tandoori chicken before hand.


The next most important step apparently is cartelizing onions. Who knew? It took probably 25-30 minutes. I love the smell of onions. Another one added to my list of delicious smelling recipes.


The only ingredient one could potentially not have is garam masala but I had some from previous failed attempts. I also added tandoori masala to the chicken marinade. I think next time I would put a little less cinnamon and a little more paprika also.


So ya then it’s pretty simple.. Add spices to onion and garlic mixture..


Add canned tomatoes and cook for a few minutes then add cream..


Blend it all together with my most favourite tool in the kitchen:


Add the marinaded chicken.


Open wine and make fun of your finances hockey team that’s losing..


And then eat! Bon appetite! Or whatever they say in India..


According to My Fitness Pal, one serving was only 190 calories so that’s great!

Last night I swear I went through wine withdrawal. We had a lovely pork tenderloin dinner and watched American Sniper and I just so badly craved wine. But I’m glad we didn’t because I woke up this morning and am down 2 stubborn ass pounds! WOOO

Nothing motivates me more than seeing dem pounds drop baby. I’m picking up my wedding dress next month and it leaves VERY little to the imagination so I’ve got to hit it hard for the next few months. Later, back chub.

I’m hoping to finish m wedding invitations today. I made them because I’m not a sucker and refused to pay like $200 for someone else to fuck around in Photoshop. I will post pics later. They sort of make me laugh and have a deer on them with flowers in his antlers.

I better get out of bed now! TEA TIME

5 Ways for Unathletic People to Enjoy Winter

The words “enjoy” and “winter” rarely belong beside each other in a sentence unless the sentence is “I DO NOT ENJOY WINTER”. I hate winter. I hate my pastey translucent blue veiny skin colour I acquire during the months of November to March. I have a major case of heliophelia and dislike short, dark days. I also hate when people find out I live in the beautiful mountains and don’t ski or snowboard.


It’s as if I have insulted them and their beloved overpriced hobby. I am just not a gifted athlete. I tried to learn how to ski and snowboard for YEARS. Mostly because the outfits looked cute and I thought I could pick up guys in the ski lodge. Instead I suffered from broken bones and the feeling of failure. Two years ago I finally gave up on trying to be a cool snowboarder and said fuck it. Best choice I ever made. Now I am faced with a new challenge: getting through the winter without wanting to kill myself! So I have composed the following list on how I am coping.

1) Snow shoeing. It requires a lot of effort, but pretty much no skill. If you can walk, you will probably be able to snow shoe. It is an excellent workout (I am super sweaty after an hour) and you have the chance to see some gorgeous landscapes you might not see if you hate skiing and snowboarding like me! I was out this morning and it was beautiful and a great workout.




2) Start a spring/summer garden!

Indoors of course. I have been reading this awesome book on gardens and what to plant with what. I highly recommend it. For example, plant leeks with carrots for a natural pesticide. Apparently carrot mites hate the smell of leeks. I have been designing my raised beds for spring and drawing up what I am going to plant and where. In a few weeks I will start my seedlings inside! Excitement.


3) Mother effin GT Snow Racers

Let’s just say, if you have a hill in your backyard like this..


… Or in your neighbourhood, you need one of these…


4) Be gourmet! Embrace weird ingredients!

My mom bought me this amazing cook book by Thomas Keller called Ad Hoc at Home: Family-Style Recipes

It is by far one of the most beautiful cookbooks I own. It’s huge and the illustrations are gorgeous, not to mention his detailed recipes. He actually takes the time to describe proper cooking techniques and his food is so hearty and savoury. For example, I learned how to poach an egg the proper way! Not using those little cup things. I will post on that later. Anyways, it’s a gorgeous coffee table-sized cook book and was probably one of my favourite gifts I received this Christmas! If you have any hard to buy for people in your life, this is perfect. It makes you feel empowered to attempt even the most gourmet recipes! The roasted veggie side dishes are absolutely to die for. Turnips, parsnips, and beets have become guests in my refrigerator and pantry because of this guy! Celery root with melted onions is so simple and delicious. Mushroom conserva or saffron rice are great starter gourmet recipes. Try new things! Buy or borrow cook books and make a date night out of it!

5) Host a Cards Against Humanity

You would have to have a pretty boring and awful group of friends if you didn’t enjoy this game. Paired with a bottle or two of cheap red wine, you’re sure to have a good night.

So this is how I spend my winters. Not skiing or snowboarding or snowmobiling (although if I were rich I might buy one). So stop whining about the cold, buy a Canada Goose jacket, and be productive! And squat. Do lots of squats. Your bikini bottom will thank you in the summer.

I have perfected the at home London Fog

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