Yoga class etiquette 

So I’m attending a tin yoga class which is a fucking treat for me because as a yoga teacher it’s hard to get to a real class that I’m not teaching myself because I rarely want to do more than one yoga class a day. 

I walk into the studio that I’m also teaching at and chat with the other teachers and make my way into the room. 

It’s quiet. 

The teacher has set up her mat with some candles and what not. A few other ladies are lying on bolsters enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. I arrange my Mat and collect some props and sit down and start to chill. I lie down on a bolster and am listening to the calm specifically chosen spa music. Feeling zen as fuck. I am totally happy with my choice to attend a yin class because I never do that and am feeling like I need some nice slow deep stretch. Settling in.

In walks some fucking guy. Late 50s. I hear him come into the lobby and loudly talk to the teacher in the reception area about his entire week. I internally roll my eyes while they are closed. 

He bursts into the studio. Comes right beside me and literally throws his bag on the ground making me jump. Then he takes his mat and like smacks it on the ground. Clearly that didn’t smooth it out so he picks it up and again smacks the fucking mat on the ground like he’s spreading a bed sheet only with a large heavy plastic mat. Ew.

THEN. As if he’s not being obnoxious enough. Takes out his probable iphone2 and starts madly texting someone.. with the keyboard clicks enabled. Ew. Like writes a short novel to someone. I hear the little beep that he’s rapidly sending multiple texts to his people. I’m annoyed. 

He sighs and says, “OK TIME TO YOGA”. Then he loudly unzippers his bag, which I’m positive is made of chains and lead, and then settles in. 

Oh but first he needs to get up and stretch and then locate his janitor size set of keys in his pocket and DROP (I kid you not) DROP his keys on the floor. 

Guys. Don’t be this guy. Please. I can’t stress it enough. Come in and shut up. Some people use this time as “me time”. Not “me and some guy time”. 

10 Things I Learned in 2014

I started getting nostalgic and thinking about the last year and all the shit I learned. Maybe I learned them in my 20s but didn’t realize they were lessons until now. Or who knows, maybe I’m just wise as fuck. Anyways, take a knee kids.

1) Loving someone is hard

But it shouldn’t be too hard! It is hard to be selfless and love someone and put them in front all the time. Sometimes you have to disagree with the person you love so you don’t lose sight of who you are. It’s a fine balance of being kind and giving, while also being a little bratty and keeping parts of you the same and not budging no matter what your loved one thinks or says. Unless your loved one is Ryan Gosling. Then do whatever the fuck he says gurrrrllll.

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2) Sacrifice is a necessity in relationships

And I don’t just mean baby lambs and virgins. If you truly want to stay in a relationship you have to be willing to make sacrifices. I don’t think there are two people who want exactly the same thing all the time so if it’s going to work, you need a little wiggle room. A LOT in my case, hence me uprooting my entire life and moving it all to Fruity. When Karlin told me he wanted to move back to his hometown I knew I was either going with him, or breaking up with him. Noooo thanks! Karlin is my dream boat. End of story.

3) Living with future in laws is fattening

For real. Living with many people means cooking large quantities of food, which means a lot of groceries, which means a lot of cheap shitty crowd pleaser foods. It’s much easier to please 8 adults and 2 kids with some pasta and generic sauce than it is to prepare spinach and feta stuffed chicken breasts and a big organic salad with risotto. I tried to make healthy and delicious meals for everyone but it was exhausting and there were never any leftovers so every meal required so much thought. So I gave up. And got hella chubby. Now that we are in our own house, it’s soooo much easier to eat healthy because Karlin will be thrilled to eat anything I put in front of him and we can afford to splurge on organics and fresh local meats. Like pigs. insert pig roast montage

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4) Get Rid of Toxic People
They serve no purpose. Keeping them around is only enabling them to shit on your life and annoy you. So fuck them. Life is too good to waste it with losers. And like I always tell Karlin when he complains about this guy he works with who is a dick to him: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE EVERYONE.

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5) Pinterest is Largely Misleading

Don’t get all uppity, I adore Pinterest.. But it shouldn’t be taken literally. Just because someone took a ridiculous amount of time to take step by step pictures and clever instructions, does not guarantee your craft is going to turn out anything like theirs. I’d say 9/10 of my Pinterest creations failed HARD. No, Pam cooking spray does not “set” nail polish. Writing on a mug with a permanent marker and baking it for 30 minutes does not permanently implant your image on the cup. None of your baking or stuffed meats will look like they do on Pinterest.

Although THIS was pretty sweet. But that’s just because Karlin helped me..

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But ya, most of my attempts were brutal.

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6) Building A House is Hard

I will admit, I designed my dream Pinterest house and love it to death. But I almost killed my fiancé and his family in the process. If you can afford it, hire a builder. Because it’s fucking brutally hard and physically demanding. Not to mention mentally exhausting. Especially when you spend an entire day doing something wrong and have to do it all over again! We had a lot of good memories and fun drunken nights after a hard day of cement pouring or stripping forms. But a lot of nights I came home and cried haha. A LOT OF ATIVAN WAS SWALLOWED.

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7) University degrees are not That great

Ok if you’re a doctor or an engineer maybe they aiight. But a Communications Degree is fucking bullshit in small towns. If I were smarter, I would have gone to trades school. It means nothing to have a communications degree in a town where the only work is in healthcare and trades like electricians and builders. I should have become a welder. Or a nuclear weapons specialist.

8) Kraft Dinner is fucking horrible for you

It’s true. I can eat like a box of KD in one sitting, and let me just say, it’s probably worse for you than going to McDonalds and ordering 2 Big Macs. It’s just not something that I have wanted to come to terms with in the last few years. It is my comfort food. But I need to find a new way to comfort myself. Sorry my cheesey ketchupy heavenly friend. We need to break up like now.

9) When you find good friends, never let go of them

Ever. Use Duct tape and zip ties if you need to secure them in your life.

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10?) Stephanie Barnes has cute kids and I cannot count

Barnes mentioned she found my blog and read every single post and was not sure if she liked reading it because she was afraid I was going to talk about her. Stephanie Barnes lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. She is engaged to Jason and has two adorable little girls, Scarlett and Piper. They steal my hearts every time I see them. One time, Scarlett shot Jen in the face with a pen lid while we were having lunch. Then a bee landed in Stephs hair and Jen and I laughed at her as she freaked out. Also, I clearly can’t count because there are only 9 things I learned this year.

So there you have it. 2014 was full of changes and I started a new life in a new.. village.. Happy New years to all my friends and family and followers!

I guess I need to plan a wedding now!

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Stay tuned for my New Years meal plan and workouts. Starting tomorrow. Not today. Too much champagne 🙂

 

 

Picky Judgmental Bitches

I think I might be one of them. I struggle daily with trying to decide whether I am a judgmental c-word, or if I am just really in touch with what I prefer. My mother always says “Don’t wait until you are 80 to start telling people to Fuck Off”. I have always lived by that. My stepmother, on the other hand, has always said “It is better to be kind, than it is to be right”, which I also agree with. So how do I live by both mantras?

Scenario A: I am faced with an acquaintance whom I immediately deem less intelligent than I am and a little on the cup of crazy side. Do I put up with their childish (dramatic) motions because it’s the polite thing to do, or do I dismiss them as unworthy of my time? It was brought to my attention in the last few months that I know precisely what I look for in a friend/role model.

Scenario B: Someone who I previously cherished and adored has taken a different path than I have and I can’t stand by their life choices. Do I politely stay “friends” to avoid being unkind? Or do I pull the plug so I don’t have to worry and lose sleep over their poor choices?

At what point is it OK to start banishing toxic people from your life?

I let go of my Maid of Honor.. We had been really tight BFFs for a long time. And then I just watched our friendship crumble. I knew that we were over a long time ago but it took a lot of guts to actually sever the relationship. Why didn’t I just wait until after the wedding and slowly let it dissipate? Like she likely would have done? Because FUCK THAT. I didn’t want to look back at my wedding pictures and have someone standing beside me that I no longer knew or cared about. Is that selfish? Or am I just lucky enough to know myself inside and out? To know exactly what bothers me and what isn’t worth my time? Am I a bitch because I cut ties with people whom were once a big part of my life? Or am I just good at…trimming the fat? (Jen.. pun intended).

I am compassionate for those who are less fortunate than I am. I don’t judge people who are a little white trash, uneducated, or just plain stupid. Wait, yes I do. Wait, no I don’t. If I meet someone who is (in my opinion) ghetto AF, do I say Fuck that! and choose not to allow them into my life, or do I try and feel compassionate and get to know them and not judge their lifestyle? The way I see it, I am doing both by choosing the Fuck That option. I am allowed to not like someone. That is my right. So how do I be kind about not liking someone? I cut them out of my life. I don’t try to take them down (I have been watching too much Gossip Girl) or hurt them in any way, but god damn it I am allowed to not like someone. I am allowed to be picky when it comes to the people I surround myself with. I am allowed to have a negative thought towards someone if I don’t agree with them. The difference is that I don’t announce my differences in a hurtful manner.

So I guess that means that being picky IS being judgmental. But being judgmental doesn’t have to be hurtful. So I can think FUCK THAT, but also be kind. Does that make me a bitch? Is that “two-faced”? Nobody likes everyone and everything. It is human nature not to like certain things. Like poison. And big hairy animals with sharp teeth. So to dislike something isn’t necessarily bitchy. It is survival. It keeps the baddies away.

So cheers to surviving, bitches! Be picky! Life is too short to waste time on people unworthy of your love and attention. I’d rather have 2 amazing friends than 50 half ass friends.

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