Every single morning I wake up and make a mental note of some of the things I’d like to accomplish during the day. Some days there are very specific things like “buy groceries so you can feed yourself”, or “wash your hair because it smells like a sewer”. I have noticed, however, that there are 4 things that I constantly struggle and debate over.
1) Should I workout or be a sloth?
This one is a given. Nobody wakes up wanting to work out. And if they say they do, they are lying. I know some people who love the feeling of the “after workout”, and that I can understand. There’s nothing better than the feeling of finally finishing your workout. So why is it so hard for me to do this. Why can’t I just wake up and not even question if I’m going to work out? Netflix. That’s fucking why. Being lazy is so much easier than moving and sweating. So I have thought of a solution! Instead of waking up and feeling like I have to work out EVERY day, I’m going to aim for 4 days a week instead of 6-7. That way, if I wake up and am truly feeling like a dead person, I can choose to not work out that day without feeling like the guiltiest fatty ever. Already today I have debated whether I’m going to workout and decided today would be a good day to do my 1 of 4 workouts because I’m not very busy. Oh also, I’m starting that stupid Kayla Itsines workout routine because it’s been sitting on my coffee table for 2 weeks and she’s a babe. (She’s probably the kind of girl who pretends to like working out). Stay tuned.
Omg working out is soooooo much fun!!
2) Should I eat the frozen cheesecake in the freezer?
Bible. Every morning I wake up thinking about that god damn piece of cherry cheesecake sitting in my freezer and think, “is today the day I destroy it?” It’s not always the cheesecake I fantasize about. It’s the Popsicle and the ketchup chips and all the other bad shit in my kitchen. I have been pretty good at keeping junk out of our house but every once in a while that shit sneaks it’s way in. I’m looking at you, Karlin. I swear I have a mental catologue of my pantry and fridge and if something bad comes in, I fantasize about eating it. So here is my solution (because I think I should make solutions for all my first world problems). I’m going to send the cheesecake to work with Karlin. Then it won’t haunt me. BOOM progress.
3) Should I open a bottle of wine?
I know some of you are feeling me on this one. French women drink wine every day and they all look pretty fit, so how come I feel so bad about drinking wine with dinner? Oh.. Right. Because I drink a BOTTLE of wine with dinner. That’s why. Solution? BIG OL’ BOX OF WINE. At least I don’t feel guilty opening a bottle of wine every night, ammirite?? K this is not a healthy solution. Perhaps I will try and limit myself to 4 days a week just like my workouts. Perhaps only on days I work out! Woah. It’s like a light bulb just turned on.
That’s usually what the person in my head responds with. But for real, why am I so gross? My car is a sess pool. I could probably buy groceries for the week if I took in the bottles that cover my floor. There is dog hair caking my back seats. What is actually wrong with me??
Solution? Maybe tomorrow…
Sorry, Jetson! Suckaaaaaaa