Jesus Effing Christ

Jen’s description of Christmas can be found here:

Please do read it! It cracked me up. So in response, I will describe my childhood and my adulthood Christmas times.

First off, when I was a kid our Christmas started December 1, when the chocolate advent calendar was rewarded to my brother and I. I would wake up every morning and run into the kitchen and devour those disgusting plastic fake chocolates shaped like little bears with Santa hats. Decorating the Christmas tree was an all night event. Dad would play his RUN DMC Christmas album and we would all chug eggnog and decorate the tree. Every ornament was special and had a story and we were so anal about where everything went. It was seriously such an awesome night. Pretty sure when my parents divorced one of them threw out all the Christmas decorations, which is sad. Anyways. Christmas Eve was spent writing Santa letters, baking cookies for him, and making sure there were carrots in the fridge for the reindeers. We would place all these items in the Christmas tree room. Then we would take all our stuffed animals and place them around the tree as guard dogs because the main goal was to catch Santa when he came. We would even leave bowls of cheerios around the tree.. for our stuffed animals… ya don’t ask. Then we would prepare our sleeping areas. Usually under the tree. We would vow to stay up all night and catch a glimpse of Santa. Mom and Dad would “go to bed” and tell us that Santa wouldn’t come if he thought we were awake. We decided we would risk that because we thought it was just so fucking crazy that a grown man broke into the house via chimney and nobody had ever seen him. We usually lasted until 1 am before falling asleep. Mom and Dad would carry us to bed and put out the presents, THEN, I assume would be really drunk and would go outside and chew up the carrots for the reindeer and spit them out on the front lawn so it would look like the reindeers had eaten them on the roof. Then my dad would make big footprints from the chimney all the way over to the tree. They would eat the cookies and my Grandpa would always write us letters back so we didn’t recognize the hand writing. In the morning, as you can imagine, we were fucking SHOCKED. Like minds blown by all the presents and how the hell we did not wake up. Someone would be designated present giver and we would start with our huge overflowing stockings then on to the presents. Then mom would make a massive breakfast and we would be forced to stop playing with our new gifts and eat. Mom would start making Christmas dinner and Dave and I would usually need a nap because we stayed up all night. Then we would have a kick ass dinner with the grandparents and we would get one glass of champagne and then it would be lights out because kids really shouldn’t drink!


Fast forward to Christmas as adults and what it means to me now. We watch Christmas Vacation as a family every year and usually get a good buzz on. Everyone is in a great mood. Gifts are way sweeter because usually they are things you ask your parents for. Food is unreal because you understand how much effort is put into making the meal. Christmas at moms means we drink profusely all day. Starting at 10 am.


Followed by hot tub, delicious breakfast, a some present opening, lattes, and then some Christmas shooting practice!


Christmas as a single woman meant getting invites to as many fancy work parties as possible with your best buds and getting dressed up so you could act like a total drunk fool.

photo(5) photo(4)photo(8)

Fast forward to Christmas with my love! Amazing work parties with amazing dresses.

photo 3 photo 1 photo 2

Last year we both got really sick and spent Christmas vacation in bed in Fruitvale. It was still one of the best Christmas’s I can remember because we were together! This year we have our very own house and will wake up and exchange gifts and drink gourmet coffees and enjoy our gorgeous view. Then likely head to his parents or sisters for dinner and lots of drinks!

In summary, I love all things Christmas because most people are happy to visit and its an excuse to celebrate friends and family and good wine. I also love the smell of Christmas trees indoors. I boil a big pot of water and throw in oranges, cinnamon, cranberries, and cloves and it smells like Christmas for days. UNREAL. Also, mandarin oranges are the shit. And Karlin’s dad has a yearly toboggan party and wiener roast. That is pretty awesome.

Oh AND I also attempted to make Christmas tree shaped meringues today. They look like abortions. Just awful.

How I wanted them to look

How I wanted them to look


photo(9)I guess they all taste the same so who gives a shit 🙂 Fat free and 8 calories each! YEA BOI.


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