Insert Planet of the Apes theme song

I literally can't.

I literally can’t.

 Hello. I was hearing the theme song for Planet of the Apes in my head because I think it is quite shocking that this is my first blog that I am publicizing. I feel like I have such interesting and thought provoking ideas and it’s absurd that I haven’t shared them with YOU, INTERNET. Back to the apes, I just did a quick Google image search for said Apes and this fucking picture shows up. First of all, I have never actually seen this movie because I hate old movies (excluding Hard Ticket to Hawaii, which I can touch on later) and so this picture is extremely confusing for me. Second, is that a kiss? Is that a male human and a male ape kissing? I think I need to watch this movie. I tried watching the new Hollywood versions and just. literally.couldn’t. I’m going to stop with the literallying and canting literally right.. now.

I just had to pause and remember why I decided to start this blog. I love writing. I love typing. I love the sound of typing on my laptop. Is that weird? I’m sure that I will stumble upon something really clever if I just keep forcing myself to write, so here it is. I am challenging myself (and maybe my friend Jen) to write at least SOMETHING about ANYTHING every day for a month.

I think I am becoming obsessive with “30 Day Challenges”. I am currently partaking in a 30 Day Squat challenge, a 30 Day Sit Up Challenge, and a 21 Day Meditation Challenge. Guess which one I like doing the best? No, not the lazy meditation challenge, jerks. The squat challenge. BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO HAVE AN ASS.

photo(1)ASS ASS ASS ASS. K I am really far from being one of those girls that posts 40 thousand pictures of my ass and tags #getabooty #humpday #fitgurrrrlz mostly because I fucking wish and I am not fit. These just happen to be really complimenting Helly Hansen long Johns and I was heading out to go quadding and was like woah. . WOAH… Is that a bump where there is usually a pancake? Because I am used to seeing nothing but crepe back there. So, in conclusion, the 30 Day Squat Challenge is paying off I think! The sit up challenge.. not so much. It’s just torture. I hate sitting up. I started thinking of them as sit downs and would pretend the work was when I was lying back down. That made it easier. I did 100 today and wanted to puke and then punch my fiance in the face because he said “Good girl”, like I was a fat chick doing 3 pushups. Alright, I take back the punching my fiance in the face remark. I more just wanted to eat his face because I am “eating healthy” and “watching my calories”. Which essentially means obsessing over how much I shovel into my face and measuring 1/2 cup of rice every meal when really, I could eat the whole god damn pot of rice. I am hungry. I try to think of things I can consume that are zero calories and all I can think of is diet Coke, which is disgusting, and mustard.

Top 5 Things I wish were zero calories:

  1. cheese
  2. cheese flavored items
  3. Kraft Dinner
  4. rice
  5. chocolate milk

I would like to blame my current size on my fiance who I love dearly. I gained twenty fucking pounds in the first year we dated. Twenty. That is gluttonous. Now that we are to be wed next July, I feel like I should at least try to get back to my pre-Karlin size so I don’t burn all my wedding photos. Jen “the savage” Michenka has thankfully decided to join me on my quest to pre-men size so it seems more like a game than a solitary torturous feat. We pretty much talk about everything we eat, every time we sweat, all of our impressive bowel movements (oh shut up, every girl does it with her bestfriends) and all our theories and plans on how we are going to get fit. It is working. Slowly, but surely.

All this talk about fitness makes me want wine. I better brush my teeth before I’m tempted to crack into a nice big BOX o’wine.

This was day 1. Au revoir! THAT WAS FRENCH


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